897. - Chris & Jason

All right, uh, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian, and they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world, and they do it three times a week. Jason, does that sound familiar to you?

We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place.

All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube. [upbeat music] How Long Gone. Uh, it's a frigid, uh, rare Saturday afternoon recording here in New York City. Jason, I'm looking at my, uh, app here. It's saying 18 degrees. So it's an improvement from this morning's, uh, seven when I, when I rose.

Bumbaclot, I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay, actually. It's not... Honestly, it, it, it, at this l- at this current temperature, if you, if you're wearing the correct clothing-

Mm-hmm

... it's fine. It's not the... It's, it's not obviously ideal. You're not sitting on a bench sort of thinking about life. But if you have to-

[laughs]

... shuffle to the bodega or, you know, to the gym or whatever, it's, it's, it's serviceable. It's all good.

Okay.

It's all good.

So friend of the show, Bryn, Bryn Trill, she posted a photo waiting for the bus at the, the Lucien restaurant bus stop. How long... If you were properly suited and booted with your Stone Island trousers and heat technology, Uniqlo, La Mer collabs, how long, how many minutes can you stand there?

First of all, I don't wear... I wanna be, I wanna keep it, I wanna keep it-

[laughs]

... absolute buck with you, chief. I don't wear heat, I don't wear heat tech.

Ooh.

We ain't doing all that.

Is it because your skin is so sensitive and you don't like to have, like, that body condom, that thin layer pr- you know, keep- or is it, are you already running kinda hot?

Uh, I'm running kind of hot, but my legs don't get cold, which is I feel like where the, the heat tech is utilized the most is on the bottom half.

Mm.

I don't really... I'm good on that. Up- upstairs, I've got the vintage camber waffle lined with a shirt underneath and then the, the Mountain Hardwear puffer over that.

Okay.

I got a, I got a new hat from this brand Thirstyn I really like. Got my gloves. I'm good to go.

Okay. So you're saying you're more, you're more of a top-

I'm more of a top

... in this case.

Top guy.

Yeah.

In more of this-

Okay

... in this case, I'm more of a top, but I mean-

Breaking a lot of hearts in the first four minutes of this podcast, Chris.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Hey, man, can't win them all. All right.

Mm-hmm.

So you're in Hawaii. You're wearing a tank top and some, maybe your little, your little Prada, your little Prada shorts.

[laughs]

What do you w- 'cause, 'cause it's a little warmer over there.

Uh, I'm not wearing a shirt. The sliding glass door of my, uh, ocean view suite, upgraded from the mountain view. Not really a huge deal, but, you know, they saw the reels and they had to go ka-ching. Yeah, I just have some, um, some Nike workout shorts on and, and a smile and, you know, a beard that's r- running a little loose since I'm on island time.

Mm.

You know, I got, I got the s- the salt water-

Oh

... in my hair.

Love that. I know. So you're, you're getting the na-

So it's, it's sitting everywhere it needs to sit

... you're getting the natural bumba and bumble out there on the big islands.

Yeah.

You don't have to-

My hair is seated.

Okay. [laughs] Your hair is, your hair is seated.

Period.

Okay. I've had a tough day so far. I'm just gonna be honest with you. I've had a tough day.

Me too, man. Me too, man. I, I woke up, I had to get a Kona coffee and-

[laughs]

... I l- I left the probiotic coconut yogurt-

Oh

... in the canteen downstairs.

Oh.

I had to take the elevator down again and go grab it, so-

Oh

... we're both kinda going through it, and also the lei, the natural flower necklace-

Of course

... that they, uh-

Yes, of course. Of course

... present you with upon arrival. You know, we're on, we're on day three.

Ooh, not looking so-

So it's not the freshest bouquet. So yeah, we have our own problems going on over here as well, Chris. Is, is... What's going on with you, though? Did you go to Trader Joe's and the shelves were empty? [laughs]

You know I don't go to Trader Joe's.

[laughs]

That shit is nasty. Uh, I, I-

[laughs]

... I went to Equinox this morning, a little later than usual, maybe like at 10, so I knew it would be busy, but it was just absolutely rammed.

Last workout of January, right? Because you guys are gonna be home, homebound.

No, bro. I'm, I'll be, I-

Sn- you're gonna be snow patrolled.

Unless those pussies close it, then I'm gonna be there. I'll put on my Salomons, zip them up, and I'm, I'm hiking over there. But so I'm at the gym.

Okay.

Normal stuff. The, quite busy. You know, people are waiting on treadmills, et cetera.

Oof, waiting on treadmills.

Today called for a, a box jump. Um, you know, so I, I put the 24 in... I put whatever.

[laughs]

I stacked a couple up.

Mm-hmm.

It's above waist high. I'm only doing five sets of five. It's not crazy.

Period.

I feel this junior trainer, like, looking at me.

[laughs]

And I'm like, "You, bitch, you better not."

[laughs]

And-

Was this junior train- it was a man or a fe- uh, when I hear junior-

It's a man

... trainer and I hear bitch, I'm like, is this, like, a sweet pea from industry situation?

No, no, no, no. I, no, no.

Okay.

It was, it's a guy who I've seen in there before. This... Okay, so he comes up to me-

[laughs]

... while my headphones are obviously in and starts trying to give me advice on a box jump, which-

Mm

... o- of course, a box jump [laughs] is, is probably more complicated than it seems, but at its core-

[laughs]

... it's pretty much like you get up there and you get down and you're working on some explosiveness.

Right.

Obviously, there's ins and outs to it.

I'm no Kirstie Godso, but I, you know-

Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.

I, I know jump, jump on the box-

Get off the box

... and then come off of it and do it, do it again.

I took my shoes off so I would land flat, which I don't like to do.

Of course, there's good form and bad form.

Of course. Yeah, of course.

But I think at this point in your workout history you're not, you know.

But, but I'm thinking to myself, "I come into this place every fucking day. I don't want you to talk to me. Don't try to upsell me."

[laughs]

L- everyone knows historically Equinox trainers are shit. No one uses an Equinox trainer-

[laughs]

... unless it's given to them for free or they get roped in to a scammer package.

Yeah.

So it's like I'm paying $300 a month. I don't want you to try to approach me and talk to me while I'm working out on the busiest day that I've seen in years. Like, you gotta leave me the fuck alone.

Mm-hmm.

And this happens a lot. There's a couple other... They, they, 'cause they, that's how they drum up business, and I don't wanna-

Of course. Of course.

O- obviously, I would love for them to earn money, but I ain't the one, chief. Like, you can tell I'm in here every day. You, you, if you have facial recognition-

[laughs]

... you know I'm in here. Leave me alone. And even, look, even if I'm doing it a little bit wrong-Know that I don't want... Look at me and tell-

[laughs]

... that I don't, I don't wanna hear that from you.

[laughs]

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, look at me.

So that, that... I- imagine, you know, they say abs are made in the kitchen, right? So you're, you're doing the box jumps, your core is fucking bananas. You're, you're... You know, you have abs, we just can't see them 'cause they're made in the kitchen. So imagine I'm over here at Tommy Bahama's at my happy hour doing my coconut shrimp last night, and a, a freelance nutritionist approaches me-

[laughs]

... taps me on the shoulder, take my AirPods out. "Hey, just to let you know, when you dip the shrimp into that, uh, the Big Kahuna remoulade sauce-

Freelance [laughs]

... that's really where the g- the calories are gonna get ya."

Deadass? I was like-

And I'm like... Yeah, no fucking shit, bitch.

I swear to God, if we search freelance nutritionist right now-

[laughs]

... so many would come up and it would blow our mi-

[laughs]

It would blow our minds. Yeah.

I mean, I probably used to tell girls that when I was-

[laughs]

... 23. "What do you, what do you do?" "Well, you know-"

I'm actually a freelance nutritionist

... I'm a, I sell a little bit of kush.

Yeah.

I'm a freelance graffiti artist-

[laughs]

... and part-time nutritionist.

[laughs]

"What does that mean?"

Okay.

I was... I, I know about brown rice, you know, stuff like that.

Freelance [laughs] freelance graffiti artists. [laughs]

Yeah, I'm available for bookings right now if you're looking.

I'm a freelance graffiti... No, no, not street art. It's, it's actually graffiti.

[laughs]

So I was just... I was put... I was very annoyed. I'm very annoyed.

But, but, and, and also because you don't, you don't necessarily give off approachable top, you know what I mean? Like, you, you, you're not the happy smiley guy in the gym who is giving approachable, come talk to me, come build with your boy.

I'm not looking to make friends. I'm not looking to make friends.

Yeah, yeah. You're not, you're not putting out the vibe, the energy. The pheromones are not pheromone-ing.

No.

But there needs to be a situat- you know, the way people deal with this in the past, in my suburban lifestyle, you know, every, every ninth or 10th house they'll have the little placard on the door that says-

Yes, yes

... no soliciting.

Yes.

You know, that kind of shit, which is always a little bit like, yeah, of course. You know, whatever. It's the same thing as putting the sign up that says, "Don't poop on," you know, "Don't have your dog shit on my lawn." Like, yeah, nobody wants that. It's not really gonna stop the dog from shitting 'cause it can't read. But there needs to be some type of situation like a fogo de chao, which is the Brazilian all you can eat [laughs] where there's-

Green for go, red for stop, baby.

Yes. Yes.

I mean-

Yes

... what if I... I think maybe I could make a no soliciting T-shirt.

[laughs]

Like a dry fit, no soliciting.

No, this is, this is gonna be, like, the Vetemont collab that I finally get to secure. They're... 'Cause they always do those dumb T-shirts, you know what I mean?

Yeah. This is-

If there was, like, no personal trainer zone with, like, the... Or, like, Calvin pissing on personal trainers.

I just... I, as... I, I just don't... The, the, the Raw Dog approach like that just seems... It can't convert, but it must because that seems like their entire business plan.

Bro, it w- if it works for Clav, Big Clav in the club, it could work for Tony, who's a young, new trainer who's got some great moves going on right now.

That's... To, to be fair, this guy was buff, so I, I, you know, I, I-

Okay.

It's not like he was... It's not like his services, uh, if r- if rendered appropriately wouldn't work.

Sure.

It was just that it was a time and a place.

He could teach you a thing or two. Okay, d-

Yeah, definitely.

What did you... How did you let him down gently, or did you say, "Poof, be gone"?

I said, "Not now, big bro"

[laughs]

... is what I said. And then he's like-

Chris said, "You, you ain't... You got the wrong one today. You must not know about me-"

That's-

"... Tony"

... that's kinda what I said. And then, so then I got home-

[laughs]

[clears throat] And-

After you hit your box jumps, your BRPR, your B [laughs]

After I, after I hit my BRPR, I get home-

I hit my BMPR. [laughs]

While you're, while you're having your, while you're having your probiotic yogurt. I get home and there's a-

My pro yog

... there's a package for me. My, my doorman lets me know.

Oh.

[clears throat]

The life of an influencer. Somebody pinch me. What a dream.

And I'm like, "Oh, that's a very large... That's a big package." And then I go over there.

You got the Big Kahuna package.

It is so heavy that I c- it's, it's im- immovable. Like, I, I'm, I'm like, it's... The way that it's-

[laughs]

It's, it's sort of... The way that it's positioned against the wall, I'm not able-

[laughs]

... to get enough leverage to move this pack- This is not a joke.

Okay. So your, your traps are dusted, so-

Dusted

... a giant box, you know, that's not really something you can tangle with. If y- if you caught it at the beginning of your workout, maybe. But now-

No

... you know, you're all out of juice.

So I have to, I have to get down sled push style and slide this thing-

[laughs]

... until, until I get some help with a hand truck from the porter, who helps me bring it up to my apartment. I'm like, I have no idea what this is. The return address is giving me no information. And-

[laughs]

[clears throat] I open this thing. It's got fucking styrofoam. So styrofoam starts, you know, getting all over the fucking floor. It's sticking to my shoes. It's all over the fucking entrance. It's all over the floors.

Oh, oh.

I... It's so heavy, I can't pull it out of the box. I have to... Jason, I have to squat down-

[laughs]

... all my might, flip the box over.

With plantar fasciitis, not easy.

Exactly. Exactly. Like, think about this.

[laughs]

It... The, the box slides out. I'm not going to say who this box was from. I open the box.

[laughs]

Inside, Jason, inside of this 77-pound box, that's the official weight from, from UPS or FedEx.

[laughs]

77-pound box. I open this, this dramatic wooden box. Inside is a bottle of olive oil and a mortar and pestle.

[laughs]

[laughs] And I was-

Okay

... and maybe a book. I think there's a book.

So you thought this box was gonna be... There was gonna be a 12-year-old Thai child in there, some, some kind of human trafficking.

Something.

You know, a live Bengal tiger-

Something

... that's been sedated. But no, it's... How big w- Is this a five gallon b- Was this, like, a Mountain Valley Spring Water thing full of olive oil?

No. No, no, regular size.

Okay.

Regular size. Smaller, smaller than Grazia.

Oh, wow.

In, in... Thinner. Thinner.

Okay. So maybe, like, a, like a Michelob Ultra, Red Bull can kind of-

Yeah

... okay.

And I'm sure it's a high quality, I'm sure it's a high quality finishing oil. I'm sure this isn't for cooking. I'm sure it's from the-

Oh, don't throw it in the wok around me or I'll fucking smack that shit out of you. Yeah

... greatest region possible. I'm sure the olives are, are unbelievably fresh.

[laughs]

But then, so the, the story doesn't end there because then I have to rid myself of this nuisance.

Mortar and pestles are heavy.

Extremely heavy. So I have to-

More so the mortal, mortar than the pestle, but anyway.

So then I have to-... scoot this to the elevator-

Mm-hmm

... take it down to the basement, and put it with the trash. Then I have to come back up. The Dyson's not charged. I have to charge the Dyson.

[laughs]

Gotta run the whole thing over the fucking concrete floor because there's fucking styrofoam everywhere. It's b- unbelievable. And then to top this off, Jason, I don't, I, you know, and then, you know, I'm gonna continue about my day, of course. I'm a, I'm a great... You know, my, I'm having a great mood now. I went to get a coffee at an unnamed local establishment.

[laughs]

They gave me the coffee that I ordered, and it was, you know, it was room temp, let's say. It wasn't hot.

Okay.

And, and I was also getting something for Alex, so they hand me that. They hand me a latte.

[laughs]

An oat latte for Alex. And I'm like, "Hey, this coffee's actually cold. Can I get another cup?" "Oh, we, well-"

[laughs]

"... we can do an Americano." I was like, "You know what? Fine." They give me the Americano.

[laughs]

I walk out the door. The wind blows the lid off of the oat latte-

[laughs]

... because they didn't affix the fucking lid correctly.

[laughs]

I have to go back in. I have to go back in-

[laughs]

... and tell this fucking septum piercing having fucking barista to put the lid on the... I feel insane. I'm starting to feel crazy. I'm like, "Who's out to get me today?"

[laughs]

And now I am here podcasting with you, J. So I just wanted to get you to where I'm at, like let, let you know.

Okay.

Now I, I just, I, I wanted you to know the mindset that I'm in.

Mm-hmm.

But otherwise, I'm, I'm good.

I n- I need to know your, your ambient temp, where you're coming into that right now.

Yeah, 'cause I mean, I was, I was able to take a shower and then, and then read, you know, 30 to 40 pages. So I was able to calm down. I had to fold a lot of laundry.

[laughs]

But overall-

Okay

... the day's looking up now that it's 2:00 PM.

Okay. Do you think that everyone is a little bit on edge and anxious because of the impending number of inches of fresh white powpow that are about to be-

I think that is-

... injected all over the town?

Oh, I think that's possible. But you know what, Jason? Do you think that's an excuse that I'm gonna fucking stand for? I don't think so.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so, big dog. Not, not on my watch.

Yeah.

I'm saying if it, if it snows, it snows. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

[laughs]

Life goes on. It's, it's, it's a Sunday.

Damn, How Long Gone Weather Report, I love it.

We, I mean, look, man, I, I follow the hot weather guy on Twitter. He's the only guy I trust.

Who the hell is that?

You don't know about the h-

Are you saying that he's hot, or he only talks about when the weather's hot?

No, he's hot. We shot him for J Crew-

Okay

... a while back. I c- can't remember his name. He's on TV.

Wouldn't it be cool if there was a weatherman who only talked about when it's hot? He doesn't do any cold stuff.

Well, what if there was?

[laughs]

What if they, yeah, they're like, "Look, bro, I only, I don't mess with the hot stuff."

You guys, it's so hot.

I'm cold only. It's super hot.

Like, what about the wind? Like, ew, I don't do that.

[laughs]

Okay, so there's a hot weather guy on Twitter. Did not know about that.

Yeah.

And you already know I'm kind of a-

A, yeah, you're a, yeah

... a Mr. Meteorology.

You know, Jason, that I have a friend, my friend Wyatt, who's been on this podcast before. Um, uh, he, uh-

Mm-hmm

... he now works at, I believe he works at the National Weather S- or he works at The Weather Channel, I believe.

Okay.

So if you wanna get, maybe I can get you sort of like a insider's tour.

I need, you know what I need? I, I need a TWC t- uh, Bloomberg terminal. I need to see the shit that, you know-

Yeah

... the regular peasants don't have access to.

He might have access, he, he might have access to some weather data that he could maybe slide to you on the low.

Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't wanna put him on the spot or ask for it.

Yeah, you know, my signal's always open.

[laughs]

My tele- my, my Telegram.

If you have any-

If you wanna send me-

... insider weather information for Jason, just bang his Telegram and let him know. It's all anonymous, of course. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian, Stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's, uh, it's trying to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world, and I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions.

A lot of questions, but how often? 'Cause we do this podcast three times a week, and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do?

Three times a week, and I, I, I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe gonna be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess.

The Guardian is not some billionaire-owned platform. They're not afraid to say what they wanna say, brother.

Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in, in what, uh, journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at, at, uh, Stateside.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch on YouTube. It's three times a week, and, and who couldn't use more news? You know, especially, especially when it's, when it's not, you know, from here, let's say.

[laughs]

Give, give it a, give it a listen. Give it a listen. Every time I go to the doctor, I walk out of that bitch feeling dumb. I got no real info. This guy in a white coat just say, "You're fine," you know, "Drink more water."

He knows how to charge my copay.

Exactly.

That's about it.

As if, as if I could drink more water, doctor. I, I, I don't get data. I don't get a game plan. I just get a pat on the ass and get out there and, and make it better. But SuperPower is doing something different. SuperPower sends a licensed professional to your home, or you can visit a nearby lab if you're a little freak. It's a simple blood draw, one simple blood draw with over 100 biomarkers, which is way more than what you usually get, and it unlocks a real understanding of your body. Uh, their app includes detailed information on your heart, liver, thyroid, hormones, metabolism, vitamin and mineral levels, and even environmental toxins. Ooh, ooh.

[laughs]

So from disease prevention to treating that annoying brain fog or simple optimizing for your gym game, let's go. SuperPower is more comprehensive and advanced system out there.

Make this year the year we all stop guessing about our health with SuperPower. For a limited time, How Long Gone listeners get $20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. Head over to superpower.com and use the code HOWLONG for $20 off your membership. That is code HOWLONG, and after you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about SuperPower. Do us a favor if you could and tell them How Long Gone sent you, and that'll just support us. Thanks. 'Cause my... You said there's a hot guy on Twitter who talks about the weather. My weather is basically just, like, the heat map index of North America, and then people commenting thatThe region of Ontario, Canada has some nice big natural titties. Basically the-

I saw [laughs] I did see the big naturals

... the cold front. 'Cause you see the like this, the red, the yellow, the orange, the green, you know, that goes from hot to cold, and then the cold goes on boom and boom. And this is like... And then it goes like from blue to icy blue to purple, and now it has to go back to like a magenta pink when it's like below negative 50, and I think that's where it's cooking right now, and it, they are a nice... They are, they are laying nicely over there up, up north.

They're very nice. No, they're sitting up there-

Mm-hmm

... uh, in Ontario.

They're pointing towards Greenland, the way we should be.

[laughs]

[laughs] Yeah, man, I was... I, I seen that photo, the, the-

The penguin?

... the AI image of, of President Donald Trump, Nobel Peace Prize award gifting.

Yeah. [laughs]

Walking hand-in-hand with a penguin, uh, and he's got a nice trench coat on there right now. I don't know what it is, probably Brunello, and he's going, just walking from America to Greenland, and he comes in peace with his little penguin friend. So it's kind of like his Groot or something like that. We're trying to-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a, it's a-

... soften the blow of a, of a full government takedown. But I didn't know, so he's, he's trying to buy Greenland for like $500 billion. Is that what it is?

Just break them off. Yeah. I haven't... I, I mean, if I'm keeping it-

And then everyone who lives there gets 100K.

I mean, look, the, that's the... If that's, that's the only payoff that you will ever get from living in a place as desolate as Greenland, so maybe you gotta look at it-

Do you want the silver or do you want the lead? It reminds me of just a more civilized version of when White folks took over America from the Native Americans, and they're like, "Hey, we're gonna give you some money. You guys can chill over there." And they're like, "No." And then they're like, "Cool." Instant murder.

That's, it doesn't-

So you, you just kinda have to do it. And also, RIP White folks, a White guy from somewhere in the South who died.

What do you mean?

You know about him?

What do you mean?

I think his name is spelled W-H-Y-T-E-F-O-

O-O-L, yes

... O-L-X.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

He was like a Memphis like sort of like hood impresario.

He was an old h- he was an old head, but, but White, but with a lineup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And he was like the guy... He, like an infamous like local regional character that I was not, you know, familiar with.

Yes, I did see this. I did... I was unfortunately not familiar with him either.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I haven't been to many, uh, walkthroughs at nightclubs in Columbus, Georgia, but I, I'm sure-

But whenever there's a White guy who can truly infiltrate... You know what I mean? Well, do you know when you see-

Yeah

... like a, like a video on TikTok or something, not you or I have seen this, but maybe on a different social media app, where like they, like a family rescues like a tiger, and then it lives at home with like-

Yes

... their like Golden Retriever and their four cats and their kid. And then the tiger's like, "I guess I'm just this now." White folks really infiltrated, and he was probably, you know, selling drugs, doing dirt, doing cool stuff. It's rare to really s- you know-

No, that's right

... just one episode after the Timmy Chalamet/ Вы去 article, you know?

It's true. No, it's true, and let's not f-

The blueprint

... let's not forget that. Let's not forget that.

Let's not forget. Don't, yeah, don't sleep on your founding fathers.

Don't, don't, please. Whatever you do-

[laughs]

... whatever you do, do not sleep.

This guy made Paul Wall look like a damn Wetzel's Pretzels employee, you know what I mean? He was real.

Paul Wall is the... I would say Paul Wall's the most famous version of this. I'm sure there's a guy that played like And1 Basketball that would fall-

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

... into this category as well, like White Chocolate, I believe.

Mm-hmm.

Um, but I'm not super familiar with the genre, even though-

And it's almost impossible when you are the cool White guy who does Black stuff to spell your name White any way but the normal way. It has to involve new letters and new pronunciations.

It has to involve a... It, it, well, I think that the baseline is a Y.

Yeah.

It has to... The, the Y replaces the I no matter what. If you wanna get more creative than that-

Yeah

... by all means, we give you the license, but-

It starts at Y replaces I, and then-

It's, it starts at Y-

... we'll go from there

... and we're gonna go from there. [laughs]

[laughs] I feel like, I feel like we're both getting a timeshare-

We're, we're gonna

... uh, brochure right now.

We're gonna just start from there. We're gonna start from there.

I know that you have your eye on that nice three-bedroom. I see that, yeah. Well, you know, it's a little bit more than the base model. Um, yeah, so, so you're not experiencing... I, I made a Trader Joe's joke. Obviously, you don't shop there 'cause you're not a snackaholic and you don't need deals on, uh-

I don't know why

... alcohol and things like that, but-

Chicken tiki, my chicken tiki masala wrap-

[laughs]

... or whatever they got.

And you also don't need... I mean, since you guys are car-less, no shade, you live in Manhattan, so it's not a money issue, but, uh, you know, a lot of people are filling up garbage bags and, you know, IKEA bins with gasoline from the, from the petrol station. You're not experiencing like the Manhattan metropolitan urban version of this kind of doomsday prepper overreaction or-

Not, not that I have-

... potential correct reaction?

Not that I have seen. Look, we have a 7:45 at Budokan tonight, so-

[laughs]

... I'm out, bro.

So, so e- even in a, even in a blizz, you're outside.

Well, I'm saying like if you live in New York, this happens, I would say, fairly often. I mean, maybe not to this degree, to, to be-

Mm

... D, TBD, but like-

Yeah, I mean, if it's a snowpocalypse every single year, then I think we need a new name for it when it's actually a snowpocalypse, right?

It's, I think it's... I literally... It's annoying as fuck. It's imp- it's annoying to go anywhere, but you put on your fucking boots and your jacket, and you go about your day. The bodega's open. I, I just don't know... Also, I can't stay in the house for 48 hours. I'm gonna fucking kill myself. I, I have to like... I can't-

Gotta go outside. Gotta go fast. Gotta go fast.

Yeah, I can't batten down the hatches like that. It just doesn't work for me. I need to touch the streets.

Good. I mean, I wish more... If more people were like you, we wouldn't be in such a hellscape right now because I worry that people, you know, like in the same way that COVID, you know, as long as you didn't die, um, it was like kind of a sweet deal.

Yeah, especially if you-

Like if you, if you, if you were [laughs] if you're fortunate enough, you know, it's basically just hitting a reset button on you, and it's just like instead of thinking about what to do, you're just gonna do this, and there's some comfort and peace in that. And I think a lot of people are almost excited to sort of see how little they can tipTheir DoorDash driver while he fucking-

Yeah

... sleds down a mountain to bring you your, uh-

Yeah

... your Domino's s- uh, breadsticks with extra-

[laughs] Dude

... extra ranch or whatever.

I would love a, I would love a Domino's breadstick right now. Don't bring that up.

But, uh, you know, DoorDash, DoorDash should protest or something like that, or there should be some so- some type of, like, up-sale deal. Like when, uh, you know, when it's, like, really busy or raining or whatever, Uber, you know ... Oh, now the airport home-

Yeah, just charge me more

... costs $4.79

Charge me more.

What if DoorDash was like, "You want this McDonald's breakfast that bad? It's gonna run you 150 bucks. I'll bring it to you right now."

They should definitely. I, I support a hundred-

'Cause there's gonna be a rich motherfucker in Man- Manhattan or thousands of them who will be like, "Yeah, just pay it. I don't care. Just pay it."

Of course. Yeah, of course. I think-

Because then you would be like, "This is good. This is difficult as fuck, and I feel like $150 is fair."

Yeah, I think that ... I think that's a great idea, honestly.

Thank you.

I really, I really do think-

Mm-hmm

... the, the, the hardest working people in New York, even though it's a corrupt business that's ruining restaurants, they should at least be, uh, compensated properly. It's not their fault. They're not, you know-

Yeah

... these guys are just, like, working hard. They, they deserve-

It's the one ... And the- and they're running out of jobs that AI won't take or robots won't take. And for now, the drones have a tough time during snowpocalypse, right?

They're ... Yeah, they're not gonna be able to get your, your Little Frankie's here on time.

[laughs]

You know what I mean? That broccoli's gonna be cold, chief.

[laughs]

Well, I've ... You know, have I told you ... Have, have we talked about Lenwich, my ... the best restaurant in New York?

I have talked about Lenwich. I think, um, Susan Alexander's, like a, a big Lenwich-

A Lenny head?

Yeah, she's a Len-

Lenny-

[laughs]

I let myself have a Lenny on the weekends and get a little bag of chips with it.

[laughs]

So ... And, but, but today I did, I did tip 25% on that.

Oh.

You know what I mean? You can't let these guy- even though I still had to get-

A Lenny feels like a, like, like masturbation slang for something, you know? Like-

Dude, if it is, then-

Like, when you do ... Well, like, what, that's when I use, like a, hot mustard-

Dude

... instead of coconut oil.

Lenny, Lenny is the best-

Get myself a right-handed, like, a switch backside Lenny. What's ... Walk me through your Lenny order, though.

Backyard Bowls is the restaurant-

[laughs]

... best restaurant in LA. Lenny's the best restaurant in New York.

Okay. So we have Michelin star West Coast, Michelin star East Coast.

All right, I pulled it up.

Chris said, "Don't talk to me until I have my Lenny."

Okay, so the Lenny or- it's the Veggie Witch, which stock, if you're getting it standard right off the lot, it's avocados, green leaf lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, alfalfa sprouts, shredded red cabbage, sweet peppers, and honey mustard. I obviously am not gonna have, uh, the peppers. That's disgusting. Um-

Yeah

... I'll lose the, I'll lose the peppers.

What are we, in Philadelphia? Get outta here, right?

I u- I get a seven grain bread. I add provolone. I toast the bread.

Mm-hmm.

I add some hummus.

Mm-hmm.

And on the weekends, if I, if I allow myself one to two Lennys per week, if it's during the week, no chips. On the weekend, we're getting a plain bag. Do you know what I mean?

Mm.

You, you guys think you're getting into a bag on the weekends? Let me tell you something.

[laughs]

I'm getting into a fucking bag on the weekend myself.

Okay. So you, you said, you said you'll treat yourself to a Lenny once a week, but then you, you just snuck in maybe once, twice a week.

Well, it depends, well, it depends on-

What's going on over around here, buddy? I can't allow you to have more than one Lenny a week.

It just depends on, on, uh, busyness during the day. 'Cause normally I'm able to, to craft my own, uh, scrambled eggs to get that protein, but if I'm running too, if I'm running too tight, sometimes Lenny's the only answer.

Right.

You know, Lenny's the only answer.

Okay. [laughs]

So I, I ... Because there, there's not ... You know, I'm in a food desert these days. I'm not, I'm not surrounded by fast casual-

Can't you just go get a, a, a nice broth, like a nice mushroom broth or something like that and hold you over?

I mean, I could, I guess, in theory. I, you know, funny-

[laughs]

... the door rang today, Jason, while I was trying to get rid of my fucking giant package, and it was a, a nice healthy order from Brodo. Uh, but it was not, it was not ... Uh, it didn't include any vegetarian options.

Oh, okay. I know what you mean. Yeah, Brodo is good at meat and animal broths.

I, I, I don't think ... I also don't think broth, if it's not, if it doesn't have the collagen from the animal, I feel like it's kinda ... It's hot water.

Damn. I a- I agree with you, for sure. But, like, shit.

Like, it's just pointless sort of. Like, just, just have tea. Well, I've been drinking this, this tea as well every night before bed.

Ooh, I need to know.

Have we talked about this?

Is it, is it a digestive tea? Is it a girl's name?

Oh, yeah. Dr. Nastasia Stoberg.

Right.

Hold on. I'll find it. She's doing wheat pasting campaigns right now. She's a hot lesbian.

Yeah.

Dr. Stoberg, the Rest and Digest tea, a daily soothing streamlined formula to support digestion and eliminate bloat.

Does it have like a y- the, the teabag has, like, a yellow box or a yellow-

Yeah, it's a really nice ... It's r- the design's really good, actually. I like the design a lot.

No, no, Carolyn got sent a box of that, and-

Oh, yeah

... to me, it smells like cilantro, no shade.

It's, it's ... It smells horrible, but it works.

[laughs]

I feel ... Honestly, I feel really good. I think it r- I think of all the things that I've spent $40 on, you know what I mean? I, I think that this would be in the realm of, of, of-

Oh, you've paid for it, honey?

Uh, well, I bought three boxes.

Oof.

After the ... After I tried one, I was like-

Mate

... "You know what? This works."

Okay.

"This works."

Okay. So, so you ... And, and you, you f- you're feeling digested, rested and digested.

It really does. I also think that there is sort of a mental game that is like you start a new habit of this tea instead of reaching for the cookies. You know? I don't think-

Mm

... obviously it's not going to replace it because it doesn't taste good, but it is sort of like a ... As kind of a habit guy-

Sure

... I feel like this stuff actually, actually works.

This is your dessert vape, we'll call it.

Yeah. Yeah, this is my matcha vape, Lily Allen style.

It's not a f- [laughs]

This-

It's not a perfect AB comp replacement, but, you know.

Well, I hate tea. I hate tea because it's too hot. But at night before bed when there's no reason not to, the v- dessert avoidance part of it is almost more appealing than anything else.

Mm.

W- uh, we took it upstate with... I, I'm, I'm gonna take it on the road with me. Get a cup of hot water-

You took the Good Doctor with you upstate?

We took the Good Doctor with us upstate.

[laughs]

It's real. It's real.

Okay. That's exciting. That's exciting.

It does taste-

I'm happy for you

... it does t- it does taste funny, but I'm also glad that it ta- you know what I mean? If it didn't taste funny, would it feel like it works, you know?

No, of course, of course. I- if it's too delicious, you say, "What's wrong with this?"

Yeah.

I, I think, I, I don't mind the taste of it, but for some reason the smell of it is just, like, straight up cilantro broth, which I guess is good in, you know, um... The smell of things-

Oh, I see. Like-

... affect the digestion, I think. Like, you know, uh, when you see the cartoon and the, the waves-

Mm-hmm

... are coming from the pie that's cooling on the windowsill, they go in the nostril and you float over there. You know, I think that has a similar effect-

Yeah

... on the, you know. Sometimes you just need to smell the espresso-

[laughs] Dude

... and then, you know-

That's honestly-

... off you go

... I perk the fuck up with one little smell of a delicious, uh, espresso.

Just a wee bump. Just a wee bump. Um, you were, you were talking about, um, our friend of the show, Joe, Joe Budden, talking about Jacob Elordi, star of Wolverine Hearts. And, and I wanted to ask you, how does-

He can't-

... wordsmith-

He can't s-

... rapper-

He can't say it

... Joe Budden pronounce Jacob Elordi's name?

He just can't say it. He's reading off the Oscar nominations.

[laughs] So he, does he, does he not even attempt?

He's like, "Jacob Elor- Eli- Le- uh..."

[laughs]

And then P- uh, white boy Parks has to step in. 'Cause it's really interesting. They're talking about all the... You know, of course they're excited about Centers. "Centers is so good. Centers is amazing."

Mm-hmm.

"Centers better win every award or it's, you know, white people are against us."

[laughs]

And then they can't pronounce, like, half the other actors' names, but also-

To be fair, th- there is a lot of tough foreign, uh, nominees, you know?

No, no, no. I... No, of course. No, no, no. But I, I think what's the most interesting is, is that they didn't know what Marty Supreme was, and they-

What?

... on- the only person who... No, seriously, and the only person who has seen it is Parks. And the re- and, and, like, they did not really know what it was-

Wow

... before.

And, and, and these are people who live and spend time in and around New York City, which seemed to be the epicenter of Marty Supremedom.

Yes. But the way they talk about... They act like listening to, like, the new RE Linux album is their job.

Right, right, right.

In the same way that, like, I need to see these movies to talk about it, which I mean, obviously we're sort of in the same boat, but there's nothing-

Okay

... you could do to get me to listen to an RE Linux album.

So they're, so they're so in their Jill Scott silo that they're unable to notice, you know, the biggest cultural moment of the last num- three months.

It was, I, honestly it was, it was honestly kinda surprising, 'cause I'm just like, I don't... Like, these people go to the movie theater, you know? If you're that kind of person-

Mm-hmm

... and that means you're paying attention more than 90% of people-

I mean, this is why-

... so you would think you would

... Timmy went on Drewski so these people are, are abreast of his goings on in the, in the cinema.

People who would... Yeah. Any, any- anybody who wouldn't normally... I mean, I think he tried to spread as much as he could, you know?

Damn, bro.

Like, I, I know. I know. It was crazy.

He tried.

But Jacob Elordi, I mean, Jacob Elordi is... I mean, I don't think he'll win anything for that. I'd be shocked if he won something for that movie. I don't, I-

No, I don't, I don't think so, but there's a lot of action on, on Twitter I s- I'm seeing about their, like, her talking about-

Oh, her, her saying that she [laughs]-

Basically-

Yeah

... I think everyone in the world had to Google, "Is Margot Robbie married?" And she's been married for a number of years and has kids, I think, with-

Yeah, she's been married to-

... her husband

... it's the classic case of, like, an A-list, you know, nine of 10 actress with a fucking-

[laughs]

... quote-unquote producer guy who's, like, pretty good-looking. Just, like, a guy we would know.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

He, he got in early.

It's like, it's, it's the homie who cu- uh, yeah. It's the homie who figured it out.

The homie who figured it out. But then you think you got it all figured out, and then here come Jacob Elordi and she starts talking about how he, like, set up flowers on her bed on Valentine's Day or while they were filming, and, like...

This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by our best friends at BetterHelp. Jason, we're, we're deep into May, which is, uh, Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is just a reminder that whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Life is a damn journey. Some days feel good and others feel overwhelming. Whatever's keeping you up at night, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own. But the truth is, no one has all the answers. Well, and no journey should be alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand, and to support you can really make all the difference.

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She said, she said that she became, like, extremely dependent on hi- It, it's, it's... You know what it is, is they're trying to sell a movie the way that, like-

Yeah

... when Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson were dating for a month, you know? It's, it's that.

[laughs]

It's a similar kind of thing but the-

Wait, what happened with them? Are they on the o- on the outs? Are they done?

Oh.

Or was that really just a fully fabricated-

No, it was fully-

... for a month thing?

I think it lasted during the press tour. Maybe it was real, but it was like, it was because they're-

It was a ni- it was a beautiful fling.

Yeah, it was a beautiful-

They had a nice cry and off they go. Okay. Damn, yeah, I totally forgot about that. But yeah, it, to me it is giving... 'Cause she has to know. She's not an idiot. She has to know how this stuff sounds going out into the real world and-

I mean, I think actors are-

... they're, they're playing into it

... I think actors literally live on a different planet than we do, especially at that level, and they might literally think this is okay to say.

Yeah, I guess so.

But no one's gonna stop them 'cause it helps the fucking, you know, no one's gonna e- stop them. It helps the movie.

Got, it's got our crack asses talking about it a film that-

Yeah, exactly

... But I mean, like, I'm, I'm, I'm in the movie theater watching, you know, Marty or whatever it is with Carolyn, and the Wuthering Heights trailer comes on TV. Every woman in the theater, you can just hear them like, "Ugh," like moaning to themselves. Like, it is, they're doing such a good job at horny maxing the trailers for this that, like, it, it, it has, like, a Magic Mike feel to it. Like, all the girls just have to go and goon at this movie. Like-

Yeah

... I don't care. You know, it, it's the same vibe as, like, a drunk 50-year-old, like, trying to fuck somber at a party or something like that.

Wait, isn't this, isn't... Wait, is this for Wuthering Heights or is this for, is this for Frankenstein?

Um, I think Elor- well, Elordi is... I don't know. Frankenstein is nominated for some Oscar stuff, but the, the current Margot Robbie and him thing I think is Wuthering Heights.

Yes. Is... Okay, yeah.

And they just did, like, a-

No, I think you're right

... a Vogue Australia shoot-

Yeah. Yes

... where they're-

No, I think that was in Elle, but yes, regardless.

But yeah, somebody said that everything now is sexual but not sexy, and I thought that sort of, like, summed up what the vibe of that is because it's just, like, two very hot people laying in bed together but, like, you know that they're in relationships and they're not doing any... Like, it just feels... It's, it's like when you're watching, uh, the, the love scene on, on Top Gun 2, and you're just like, "This is..." They're doing a sexual act.

Who... Wait, who is that bet- uh, who is that between? Is that between Tom Cruise and Glen Powell, or is that between a man and a woman?

Uh, it's between a man and a woman, but it's just, like, it's just so oddly done in a way of, like, you have to be, you have to watch this film with your parents, or you have to watch this-

Oh, sure

... with your children.

Sure. So we got a-

So, like, it's going to happen and we're gonna know, but there's gonna be no, like-

Yeah, yeah

... true sexiness or horniness that, you know, people crave in cinema.

You know what I'm missing this weekend as it, as the temperatures drop, is the, the Moment puffer. I don't know if you've been paying attention [laughs]-

Mm-hmm

... to what's going on over at, in Park City at-

The McDonald's logo.

Yeah, in Sundance. The fact that I don't have a Moment McDonald's logo puffer for these dropping temps is, I mean-

I agree

... I can barely walk through Soho with my head above water, you know?

Well, I'm sure there's a Canadian bootleg site that makes TBN jerseys that is making-

[laughs]

... um, a McDonald's puffer right now, and we can go on there-

As we speak

... and buy one. We're gonna see Charlie, um, next weekend for the Grammys and-

I'm g- I'm going to see the movie on Monday. I'm going to see it on Monday.

Okay.

At the, at the-

With Fox

... And so I'm, I'm trying to prepare myself, uh, to, to live in the metaverse, if you will.

Mm-hmm. Okay. So, so this is sort of following in the footsteps of the, of the Marty Supreme where they have their... This movie has its jacket, and now The Moment has their jacket, and they're both sort of... You know, the Marty Supreme was sort of Polo Sport, Supreme, Windbreaker, Nike, 2002 era, whatever.The, the moment is the McDonald's logo, and then like a Marlboro-

There's several logos

... Merc- Mercedes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, that kinda thing. So what movie is gonna have the next jacket? How many more jackets are gonna exist before we have to change it and now it becomes the sweatpant or the-

Well, I think it's gonna be-

... the hunter boot or the-

No, you're right. It's a seasonal-

... Kangol cap

... it's gonna be a seasonal item. First of all, no one can wear a Kangol except friend of the show Jack Harlow.

[laughs]

The Kangol GOAT. Make it LL-

Yeah, I saw a tweet that said he's-

... look like a fool

... he's in his Common B era right now.

[laughs] Yeah, he is. He really is.

And I'm not... You know, he can do it. He pulls it off, just like, uh, white folks. You know, Jack Harlow shows up dressed like Common in a fucking buttery velour mock neck, every girl is just like, "Yep, down."

Yep. I'll throw it all away. I, I hope, my hope is the Moment jacket is not for sale.

Mm.

And then-

It can never be for sale

... but depending on, depending on season-

Watch, it's for sale

... I think, I think we'll just go back to a T-shirt, you know? 'Cause what are you gonna do in the middle of July? You can't be selling a jacket.

Well, we're gonna, we're gonna have to innovate because now that we have... We've been in the hat and T-shirt and tote bag for years if not decades now, and now we have to do a return to, you know... We, we've done the, the, the one of one, you know, cut-and-sew jacket for Marty. We can't come back from that and go straight into T-shirt, tote bag, trucker hat again.

Hey, man, I, I-

We ha- we have to do whatever, Bottega crossbody, a turtleneck, a vest, a hat, a sock, you know, a shoe, whatever it is. Like, it can't just be a T-shirt anymore.

I w- want to agree with you, but I'm scared of innovation.

Mm-hmm.

Innovation usually leads to mistakes, you know?

Yeah, and that's okay.

Well, uh, I, I als-

Fail fast in the merch game, bro.

[laughs] Yeah, I've heard that. I also...

[laughs]

Just some breaking news. Um, it looks, it looks like, uh, Brooks Nader-

[laughs]

... is, uh, hooking up casually with Ben Affleck.

Okay.

So I just wanna, I just wanna give a shout-out to Ben for being, you know, however, however old he is, smoking two packs a day. He's still blowing the back out of the finest-

Mm-hmm

... you know.

If he's not in the drive-through line at Wendy's, he's in the drive-through line at, at Burger King.

It's so... I mean, Affleck, one of the GOATs.

If he's not putting fries in his mouth, he's putting cigs in his mouth. And then, I... So I wanna know, is he use... Is, i- is he meeting... 'Cause, like, Brooks Nader, she's on, like, a reality show, right? Where does she live?

She lives in LA probably. She's on a... Yeah.

Okay.

She's, she's on a... She was on... She has her own reality program. She was also on Dancing With the Stars.

Okay. And she's, like, a, a basically, like, a Barbie doll, like, AI model of a blonde bombshell kinda person, right? That's her, that's her vibe?

Yes, but she's been... She... Yes, but she's been dissolving her filler as well as her lip filler.

[laughs]

So she's, she's going back to-

Do you get, do you get updates on your phone about that?

I just saw some pictures where she-

It's on Apple News

... where there was some bruising, um, from, from-

Okay

... the filler being deflated, so I just-

And I can... Okay.

[laughs]

So the question being, is this a regular old Raya situation? I- or is... There's three options. It's a Raya situation, it's, uh, you know, we met at the chateau, shared a cigarette, boo- bada bing bada boom, or this is, like, the Hollywood agent, like, c- make a, you know, call this person's person and this assistant-

No

... and s- set it up.

No. No one... Ben, Ben Affleck's people ain't setting this up or allowing this to be set up.

Benny, Benny boy had to go draw outside the lines and get this done himself.

Yeah, Benny, this might've been, like-

Yeah, but I mean, if, if I'm, if I'm Benny, I have an assistant, Brooks has an assistant, ev- we all have assistants.

No.

Can't you just tell your assistant, "Hey, go, uh, find out who, who does Brooks and see if she wants to go grab a drink sometime"?

I mean, maybe, but I don't think it's-

And she'll be like... And she'll just say, "No"? Bitch, you fired.

No, I'm saying that I don't think this is a setup, like, for publicity.

Okay, okay.

I think it's like, he's like, "She's fine as hell. I want a beat," and she's like, "That's Ben Affleck. Let's... Yeah, what, what's the down?" No one loses here.

Of course.

Except Jennifer Lopez, of course, unlucky in love.

I just wanna know how the, I just wanna know how the two... Obviously, when the two of them are in the same room, he's gonna Riz Max her to hell, and, uh, it's gonna be awesome when they finally have sex. But I wanna know how did they, how did they meet?

I bet they met somewhere in real life.

A chance encounter, or was it, was it her idea? Was it his idea? Did he say, "Bring me the Nader"? Or was she like, "Wow, I really like his thoughts on, uh, on the future of AI"?

That's... Look, you know that... Look, one thing I know about Brooks Nader, she's watching Rogan.

Yeah.

That's, that's for fucking sure.

Tech speculation gets me wet. I get it, mama.

[laughs] I d- I just-

[laughs]

I'm so pr- I'm so proud of Ben. He just keeps bouncing back. He keeps winning, and it's just, you know, it's a beautiful thing to see.

Yeah.

Gives you hope. It gives you hope as an aging white guy.

I know. It's, it's weird 'cause when you're... I'm sure that she's not necessarily his type intellectually and, you know, whatever.

Uh, I think, I think his type intellectually is-

[laughs]

... is us- is sort of, um-

But I think-

Maybe it's clouded by-

[laughs]

... the physical appearance. I, I could be wrong.

The sa- the same way that, you know, champagne is not my type, but-

Yeah

... you know, if someone's pouring a fine vintage, who am I to say no?

Sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You and I don't go to the provision shop and buy Osteria caviar, but you know, if we're at the, the CAA mixer and they do a little bump on the hand, you know.

Yeah.

I'd be a fool to say no.

Sure.

So I get it, Benny.

I think, I think, I think this is a classic situation where Jennifer Garner was the love of his life-

Mm-hmm

... and probably much more intellectually stimulating. And then after that, he was a broken man.

Mm-hmm.

And he was like, "Fuck it. I'm... Fuck it. J.Lo? Fuck it. Brooks Nader? I don't give a shit."

Yeah.

"I don't care."

He's got a, he's got a pussy-sized hole in his heart, and it's-

Yeah

... it's not... [laughs]

He's got, he's got kids. He's got, like, a bunch of kids that he probably don't get to see that much. He's g- I mean, you know, he's, he's doing his thing.

The universe is like, "All right."You have to choose between Ben, Jennifer Garner, or Jennifer Lopez. We've got fire and ice, your two loves. You have to... Who are you gonna choose? And he goes, "Yes." He's like, "What do you mean?" You're like, "Who are you gonna have sex with?" "All of them."

All of them.

I don't think, I don't think it's gonna work that way. Watch.

It does. It, it's all coming up Affleck.

Ain't tricking if you got it. I guess speaking of Ben, our friend and, uh, Hell Long Gone guest and MAGA tennis star, sign... You know, they do the camera signature after you win, uh, uh, on the, on the tennis matches and maybe-

Yeah, of course

... some other sports matches as well. He signs USA till it's backwards.

Who did?

Ben Shelton.

I don't know what USA till it's backwards means.

Ben Shelton signs the camera after reaching the second week of the Australian Open, so-

Well, I think, I think when you're in Australia, you have to rep for your set.

Sure.

Which I, I understand, but I don't understand the-

[laughs]

Is that sort of his, his Christian version of suck my dick from the bike?

You know, I, I think till it's backwards is sort of like, you know, another way of saying till the casket drop or something like that.

Of course.

Like, like I'm, I'm always going to feel this way is, could be a way to paraphrase that statement. But it just kinda feels a little, you know, it's, it's something that a 20-year-old millionaire college student would, you know, who lives in the American South would write on a camera or, you know. He, he has, he has some right wing-y sort of patri- you know? But like it's a weird thing because patriotism, if you just said like, "Hey man, USA" out of like a global sports ev- or event, it's very normal. But now in 2026-

Yeah

... with all, everything going on-

Yeah

... in the world.

You say USA till it's backwards, and they're putting you at the table with fucking Fuentes and Klav Lo- Lore.

[laughs] Yeah, it's, it's as if he's winning the Australian Open 1939, you know, East Berlin till the casket drop, and it's a little bit like, "Oh, okay."

I think this is pretty mu- I think this is... I mean, I do think he has some weird religious stuff, you know? But I think overall this is probably a-

Look, he's a little MAGA. He's not, um... Who's the, who's the guy that, the little fat boy that shot somebody and then was acquitted?

Oh, the w-

Oh, Kyle Rittenhouse

... the worst. One of the, one of the all time. We got to-

I just don't... Ben, Ben, I know you're not listening, but don't become the light-skinned Kyle Rittenhouse please. You got so much going for you.

The, there's, there's some, there's a situation where I, and, and I, you know, I take, obviously I take free speech seriously like Andrew Schultz-

Mm-hmm

... and I really, I obviously care about this country. And, um, I wa- I think we should figure out a way to take the internet away from certain people.

Ooh.

And-

It's like house ar- like it's some sort of house arrest situation where if you log on, the r- the, the anklet beeps.

Yeah. I think Rittenhouse, I think we gotta take Rittenhouse... I, I think we gotta take it away. We gotta ban him. He can't have Fios. He can't have Spectrum. He's gotta sit and think about what he did. No internet for him.

Honestly, this is so, I mean, partially because the edible's kicking in, but in the future when we are all online and the, you know, the correctional facility industry and the jail system crumbles, this is gonna be the new way we're penalized, and it will actually maybe help the future of the world, where if you commit a crime, we take away your access to the internet for a month.

Dude.

That's, what a punishment.

It'd be, it'd be a, all-

You have to go do your banking in person.

Dude, that's enough to get anybody s- to scared straight.

You have to go to a travel agency to book a flight.

The problem is with him, I think he appears at weird, like, gun shows and shit. Like, I think he's like-

Who, Kyle?

Yeah, I think the way that like a-

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

... a D-list-

He's become like a-

... a D-list celebrity will have to go to like, you know, sign autographs for a movie they did 30 years ago at like a convention.

Yeah.

I think he, he's doing that for the worst people on planet Earth.

Yes, yes.

Like, I think he's at like a, a buck knife convention signing 8x10s.

[laughs]

You know? Like, where you can see his We the People tattoo. We gotta get him the fuck out of here, honestly. These guys, there's too many of these guys. Bro, there's so many guys that we gotta get out of here, man.

Yeah, man. We need to have Adam22 and Kyle Rittenhouse box, and whoever, whoever loses, no internet for a year.

I li-

That's some real stakes

... that, that honestly, that is... Adam's, Adam22 would kill himself if he didn't have the internet for a year.

Well, I mean it, for many of us, it would really destroy our revenue stream.

Oh, I would be on the verge. I, I, I'd be on the verge of suicide for sure.

Yeah, but I mean, but how good would it be if you're like, "Well, I can't do, I can't make money this year because I got penalized for whatever," you know? "I hit that kid and kept driving," whatever it might be, and then now I'm a new man. I, I do gardening. I journal. I f- I wrote four books.

Yeah, once I get out-

You know?

Once I get out of the-

I stain the deck.

No, dude, the deck would be stained like fucking crazy.

[laughs] I don't even miss FanDuel.

[laughs]

You know what I mean? And also the coolest part is back to live television.

Oh.

No streaming services allowed.

Oh, I wanna talk about streaming real quick. Well, we gotta-

Ooh

... we gotta talk about two things. We gotta talk about-

Somebody... We can go, we can go an hour and 10, Chris. Fuck it.

We can talk-

I'm on vacation

... we gotta talk... I'm not. We gotta talk about VPR, the new Vanderpump Rules, 'cause they, they rebooted the entire cast. It's a whole new cast because it was just getting too crazy. I thought-

Ooh, reboot sit down my man

... I was like, "It's gonna be terrible. I'm not gonna watch this shit." Like, no way. And then of course-

Mm-hmm

... it was on in my household. Um, and-

Mm-hmm

... I'm like, "Oh, let me, you know, let me take a look. G- how bad could it be?"

Sure. See what the gang's up to.

Unfortunately, it's, it's amazing. It's like w- it's like we've never, it's like they never left. And-

Wow

... I wasn't expecting it to be so good. Um-

So this would be, so to, to analogy that I would understand, 'cause I've never seen VPR, no, no shade to Nomi Fry and the whole gang, but, like, if, uh, And Just Like That..., the Sex and the City reboot, if that was actually good-

Oh, yeah

... that's what it would feel like.

Yeah. There's a guy-

Where you're like, "Holy shit, they pulled, you know, after 10 years they actually pulled it off."

There's a gay guy that has, like, hair down to his ass that he crinkles named Venus who looks like, um-

[laughs] He crinkles?

... who looks like Riff Raff.It's, it's A+

Okay. Well, I, I, I've never seen this show or, or, especially the new season, but I think I saw a video or a news story, maybe it was in The Economist or The Atlantic, I don't remember which one, but talking about how the, the issue is that Pump and her, you know, her restaurant, bar, and lounge empire is no longer, like, a, a popular busy destination.

Yeah.

So how is that gonna color the narrative for this season?

Bro, these fucking, these fucking lose-

Are they gonna pretend like business is still booming and it's 2012 again? Or is it gonna be about-

Yeah

... you know, how tough it is?

I think, okay, that's where it's balanced. That's, that's not how it's-

You know, it's so hard to open a restaurant in, in LA right now. [laughs]

The business is not part of, the business isn't part of it at all. It doesn't matter at all.

Okay.

It's about these idiots-

We just pa- we just passed on such a-

... hating each other, having sex, drinking too much. But there, yeah, there, there's a lot of, there, there's a woman who, who, um, is a black belt in taekwondo.

Do they have to AI in the, the crowd? [laughs]

No, no, no. I think-

Okay

... I think it's like they're still doing 160 covers, 170 covers. It's not tragic.

[laughs]

You know, it's not tragic.

I need to stop talking about food on this podcast so much when you're dropping covers.

[laughs] No, the-

Chris Black is dropping covers

... that, no, I, I'm only saying that because I heard them say that on the show. That, that, I mean, I know-

Got it

... obviously I know what the term means.

Okay

... but they were literally saying that on the show. Um, but you see-

You're not defeating your front of house allegations

... there's also these two, there's these two guys that are, these, there's two guys that are cousins, and you find out that they have an OnlyFans sort of together. Like a, like a-

Mm-hmm

... they're posing. It's just there, there's a lot of modern-

The homies doing incest

... there's a lot of modern updates to the format that I wasn't expecting. Like, the OnlyFans edition was, like, nice, a nice surprise.

Mm-hmm.

There is the, there is the, the girl who's reminds me of Emily Oberg that is a black belt in taekwondo.

[laughs]

Um, there's, you know, there's people trying to be singers. There, it's got everything. Um, it's got a hot actor guy who, who won't be monogamous. You know, it's got-

[laughs]

... it's got sort of every, everything you would want.

He contractually is not allowed to be monogamous.

But the best part about these shows is that it reminds you how many shitty apartments there are in Los Angeles.

[laughs]

Everywhere from Marina del Rey to West Hollywood to Studio City to Burbank, they all live all over the place, and they all live in that certain kind of shitty LA apartment.

Mm-hmm.

That, that I know that you've probably lived in at some point.

Yep.

I've been in several in my life. It's, it's just a part of the fabric of the city of Los Angeles, and it plays a character, I think, in all of these reality shows that are based there that we just don't get to hear about that much.

Mm.

We don't, we don't give it, we don't give it the, we don't give those kinda $1,200 a month, like, side street, Studio City apartments-

Mm-hmm

... with shitty kitchens, we don't give them enough respect. A- a- enough, uh, we need to shine the light on those more, I think.

The hidden heroes, the first responders of the entertainment business.

It's the, look, it's the set. It's the set. The set designers win Oscars. What about the-

Damn

... what about the builders? What about the people who put this together?

Yeah, make some noise for my location scouts. And you, but that's one thing, you can't... It has to be a real person. It was like when, um, Decatur Dan's first apartment in LA.

[laughs]

Where, you know what I mean? That kind of vibe.

No, worse than that, honestly.

Where it's like-

But yes, yes, yes

... it's, it's 400 square feet, but it's two stories.

[laughs]

You're like, damn, half my, half my shit is stairs.

[laughs] That's literally one of the apartments. It's like that. It's like you got three roommates, but you got an upstairs and it's 400 square feet. Y- you only got one parking spot. How's this gonna work? Where's the Jetta gonna go?

No, no, the bathroom's on the stairs, not under the stairs.

[laughs]

It is the stairs.

Oh, shit. But I, I urge you, anybody who's skeptical, which I, I, I'm sure there are many of us out there, I would say that it is worth a watch. I've been watching, just because we haven't really-

Okay

... 'cause it has been so cold, I've really been catching up-

You said Vanderpump till, till it's backwards

... I've been catching up on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which Jason is now starring, um, Rachel Zoe.

Mm.

A nice Shiv, divorced Rachel.

Mother.

She's out there looking for love, um, post Roger.

Okay, 'cause Zoe, Zoe's not with Roger anymore, right?

Zoe, Maybach Zoe too is single.

Can we get Roger on the pod?

I'm sure he's got nothing else going on.

Get his story.

I feel like, I feel like-

Get his-

I feel like Roger's probably low-key one of those guys who's, like, a multimillionaire from, like, real estate investments that he, like, forgot about. I, I feel like he's-

[laughs]

I, I feel like he's done something that m- has made him v- d- disgustingly successful that wasn't his job.

He, that he forgot about.

Yeah, like, "Oh, yeah, I d- I bought this building, actually. Yeah, I don't, I was-"

"I got this ranch in Santa E- Inez."

[laughs]

And yeah, they just, they're gonna re- they're gonna turn it into, like, a brewery and an olive oil factory. I just-

[laughs] I unloaded

... I totally forgot, but yeah, I'm super liquid right now.

Um, the other thing we gotta talk about is the, the, the Harold Stylish song that did come out.

Mm-hmm.

And I, I, um-

Okay, last episode before we heard it, what did we predict? LCD, Jamie XX kind of vibe, and we, we, everyone pretty much agrees, and he came out saying that he was heavily influenced by LCD Sound System.

I've never been more disappointed. Like, if-

[laughs]

Being inf- being influenced by LCD Sound System is fine-

Yeah

... but you gotta keep that to yourself.

Sure.

You know what I mean? Just make something else up. We need something a little more obscure. But maybe that's part of his, maybe that's part of his whole approach and why he's so successful is it's not that. It's not like, "Oh, this is actually, like, craft work," but, like, a certain lot, you know what I mean? Maybe that's part of it.

I get, yeah, I mean, why, why explicitly state your references when they're so incredibly clear that you are, you know, you know what I mean? Just-

Well, because I don't think-

... just say, like, words and descriptors. Don't say, like, "I'm trying to sound like-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see

... D.L. Hughley," and then when you watch me do stand-up-

[laughs]

... like, half the jokes are D.L. Hughley jokes, and we're like, "Yeah, I know."

I think it's, I think it's a little bit like, I think maybe for us it feels like that. For his audience, they probably don't know who LCD Sound System is.

Yeah.

Or they have very-

That's a good point

... very little, they have very little inst-

It would be so cool if LCD opened-

Dude

... for him on all these dates.

He just comes out and does fucking a couple songs and then we're like, "Wait a second." I'm, I'm, look-

[laughs]

... I'm hoping for moreBut I am not super... The, the, the fact that I couldn't find a guitar, um, you know-

Mm-hmm

... that put me in a, in a spot.

No results found?

Nah, it put me in a spot.

Well-

It put me in a spot, but-

I don't think we're gonna get a ton of guitar ballads on here.

No, we're not.

But, I mean, you know, he doesn't wanna make the same album over and over again now that he's, you know, can do whatever he wants. I think it's cool to do those different movements, you know. He's thinking Beatles, he's thinking macro not micro.

Oh, I think that's, I think that's cool too, and I think this will... And also, again, when you're this popular-

This is Harry's Kid A. When it first came out, ooh, cheers and jeers. And now, you know, and then boom, suddenly disco all the time, whatever it's called, I already forgot. It's gonna be looked back.

The, the-

The pitchfork is gonna go up, actually

... the problem is, is that-

They're gonna refinance it. It's gonna be 9.7 now

... no, I, I, I pre- I think that it's a weird place to be in when you're so popular that you can do anything and it will work. That has to fuck you up mentally a little bit, you know?

Espe- especially state who you've stolen your music from.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. '26, 2026 it doesn't matter.

That being said-

You know

... that being said-

Hopefully we'll get some... Yeah, go ahead

... um, um, that being said, I'm pulling the Rivian up to at least three of those shows at MSG, and I might, I might need to go to London to sh- to see Shania open.

Yeah.

That's, I mean-

That'd be a nice little bang bang, huh?

That's God tier. That's God tier. I'm gonna go to a few shows, 'cause I ha- I've missed... I, the only time I've seen Harold was at Coachella, and we only stayed for, you know, 20 minutes or something, 30 minutes maybe, so.

I thought we saw the whole set from him.

Oh, we did not, bro. We left.

Okay.

We, we, we didn't get home till 3:00 AM, but we still didn't leave till-

I guess it was just that satisfying of a performance. I felt full even though I only ate half.

It's, he came out the, he came out the gate. The portion was there.

Well-

But yeah, so, you know

... no, I think it'll be fine. Um, and also shout out to friend of the show Chad Hugo-

Oh

... who's, who sued Pharrell-

Skateboard P

... for unpaid royalties.

Skateboard, Skateboard, break, break this man off. Give this man a million. You know how far a million dollars goes in Virginia Beach?

Yeah. I think, I think regardless of, uh, the legitimacy of Chad's claims, I think he was saying that basically, you know, for a, a number of years there and a number of hit songs during their, you know, meteoric rise and epic run, Pharrell was sort of the face of the group, going out there, working the, working. He was front of house and Chad was in the back, you know, making the songs. And he, you know, Pharrell has his own airplane, and like you said, Chad, 100... Uh, a, a million dollars would really help him out right now.

I don't think. I think Chad's got plenty of money.

I don't... No, he doesn't. He doesn't. He's not poor, but he's definitely not, he's not eating, he's not, you know.

Really? You really think he's... I feel like he's a multimillionaire a mi- many times over.

I've, I've booked him to DJ. I know how much it costs.

That doesn't mean-

And it's less than me

... well, if he just wants to DJ, but he might just love it, the game. I just find it hard to believe-

He's doing it 'cause there's hoes there, but still, I mean, like, he's, he's not a, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't know, I don't know if I'd call him wealthy by today's standards. And I think regard- what... He's also not an irresponsible guy. He's not like a party guy, he's not a drug addict. Like, he's not, like, pissing his money away and living a lavish lifestyle. He's pretty modest. And Pharrell, you have hundreds of millions of dollars. Give your man fucking a 20 piece and just let it be.

Hey, bro, we don't know what Chad-

He deserves it

... we don't know what Chad did behind the scenes, bro. He coulda done some-

You have a... Yeah, I know

... he could-

Three sides to every story

... he coulda done something nasty to P, and now Skateboard says, "You ain't welcome." Now you come to Paris, they won't let you in.

And which, you know, this is very Brooklyn Beckham coded, you know what I mean?

[laughs] Dude, it really is a co-

I don't think anyone's clean in this scenario here.

No, I actually, I don't either, but I do think that it's one of those situations where they were, you know, they, they needed each oth- It worked when it worked.

Of course.

You know?

Of course.

It was a, it was a real... It was one of... I, I would say one of the most, uh... I mean, as far as duos go, I feel like they had a run that is-

Yeah

... Hall of Fame level. I, I'm trying to think of other... I don't know many production duos, but they're definitely the, the one with the most hits.

We got the Heatmakers.

Yeah, but-

We got, uh... What are the two guys in fucking Atlanta? I forgot what they were called. They had some-

Oh, you talking about Organized Noize?

No, no, no. It was more of a du- oh, the Runners.

I don't know the Runners.

They did a lot of, they did a lot of Rick Ross shit.

Oh.

So many to name. I had dinner last night at Tommy Bahama.

It's not bad, right?

It's not. It's, uh, I like it more than Hillstone. It's, it's the same as Hillstone to me, but it's more fun 'cause it has the island vibe.

I had, we had it in Palm Desert, and then there was a story in The New York Times a couple weeks ago about how it's become a power lunch spot in Midtown.

Yeah.

It's good. It's, it is, it is the same.

It, it's a little bit better than, it's a little bit better than it needs to be. It's a little bit of an underdog. You don't think that the food's gonna be as good. But you know how they say Char- um, Chuck E. Cheese, his real name is Charles Entertainment Cheese?

Yeah. [laughs]

I ma- I came up with the one for Tommy Bahama, his real name.

What is, what is it? Thomas?

Thomas Bahamas.

[laughs] All right, so you, you're saying you added an S to the end of Bahama. You're saying it's Thomas Bahamas.

If it doesn't work, let me know. I'll be s- I'll be seated here.

No, no, it works great. I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand the... I just wanted to see how you got there. No, no, I think it works.

Economy of words. I, I'll tell you how I got here. Um, two grapefruit mar- skinny martinis.

That's all it takes, baby. That's all it takes.

Had me hiccuping in my capellini. [hiccups]

[laughs] Go-

Um-

Goddamn it. All right, if you're in New York, stay warm. Uh, ge- get, get the Canada Goose out, get the North Face out, get the [laughs] fucking Mountain Hardwear out.

If you're in Hawaii, don't forget to reapply the sunscreen on the backside after you-

We'll be back-

I'm at 45

... I don't, don't worry. I can't wait. I'm gonna be in LA next week. I'm, I'm hoeing myself out. I'm going to all the Grammy parties. I'm about to, I'm about to, I'ma be out. Valet, I'm a, I'ma try to spend a stack on valet.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. VIP listeners, we'll see you at the bungalows this week.

Va- valet-

We'll be, we'll be posted there all week, bro.

Ch- Chris valet challenge starts Friday afternoon in LA.

[laughs]

Friday afternoon in LA.

Okay, run it up.

Thank you guys for listening to How Long Gone. We'll be back next week with more podcasts-

Yes sir

... and, uh, we'll see you soon.

Mahalo.

Let's do it. [upbeat music] Yes sir. Yo. On and on, in my nuts I'm combing. Take two of these and call me in the morning.

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