892. - Sarah Sherman

All right, uh, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian, and they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world, and they do it three times a week. Jason, does that sound familiar to you?

We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place.

All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube. [upbeat music] How Long Gone. Oh, it's a beautiful Tuesday morning here in New York City. The sun is shining. The temperatures are crisp.

[laughs]

Jason Stewart and I still have not watched Heated Rivalry.

Mm.

Um, so, so life is going just great, really, if you, if you ask me.

I have, um, I had an idea last night, actually-

Okay

... involving Heated Rivalry.

Don't... Okay, c- okay, pump the brakes, chief. Let's, let's be, let's be up... What, what is the-

[laughs]

I just don't want anybody to get any weird ideas out there.

I didn't say it was a fantasy. I said it was-

Okay, okay, okay. I didn't know if you'd been reading Scott Sternberg's fan fiction on Reddit.

[laughs]

But you're saying to me that you have an idea related to Heated Rivalry.

Related to consuming Heated Rivalry.

Okay. [laughs] Okay, sure.

Um, not orally, just-

Yeah, yeah, I see

... standard methods-

With our eyes, visually

... with my eyes, but visually in a different way, Chris. I believe that it's been this long, it's been, you know, like we said, there's nothing else we could say about it that hasn't already been said.

Mm-hmm.

Everyone in the world, in the free country has already completed every episode. I'm gonna give HR the respect it deserves by reading the book first and then watching the show. [laughs]

Okay. All right, so you're gonna, you're gonna fire up the Gen 1 Kindle and go to amazon.ca-

[laughs]

... and download the Heat- Heated Rival- Heated Rivalry the book, the novella.

[laughs]

Um, okay, I-

No, no, no, I mean, I'll, I'll see if it's... I don't know. I don't know if I want audiobook. Audiobook sounds too intimate.

No, no, no, no. You have to... If y- if you're gonna read Heated Rivalry, it's gotta be putting eyes to page in that sauna.

Yeah.

You gotta be shirtless. Maybe you're on the beach in Mexico in a few days if you can get it in time.

I'll be treated.

I mean, 'cause y- 'cause you know you don't have to buy a new copy because there are several used copies of Heated Rivalry [laughs] available.

Yeah, but I don't wanna have to read the book-

Check those pages. Check those pages

... I don't wanna have to read the book with my rubber gloves on like I'm breaking down a, a duck in the kitchen, you know?

[laughs]

It's gonna f-

[laughs] Jesus

... I'm gonna have to wear a fucking full, full hazmat suit.

You got a hazmat?

Yeah, yeah.

You got a haz... Why is Jason wearing his hazmat suit on the beach? That's so weird and timely.

Dude, I'm gonna look like, uh, Taylor Lorenz going to the grocery store when I open that shit up.

[laughs]

Got all, all my holes plugged up.

Oh, shit. J- [laughs] Jason looks like... [laughs] Don't catch me at Gelson's in the fucking full suit, bitch.

It's gonna be like the Seinfeld boy in the bubble, just two plastic arms coming out, turning the page.

God, it's so funny. It's so funny.

But yeah, we haven't seen it, and, uh, like I said, I don't... I mean, if I really read the book-

No, I can't, I can't let-

... will, will that radicalize me?

I can't let you do that. Like, as, as far as the, the, all of the books out there in the world-

[laughs]

... and, and the order in which you should read them in, Heat- Heated Rivalry is coming in maybe dead last. Just because the TV adaptation is so popular and so easily available-

Mm-hmm

... I, I would, you know, I, I don't think it's, I don't think-

To quote Tupac, I don't want it if it's that easy, Chris.

Of course, but I don't know if, I don't know if this is something you want bad enough, I guess.

It is not. It is not.

Is what I'm saying.

You know, it's, it's one of those things, you know, is it, is it funny to do something for science? We'll see about that. Yeah, I'm looking at Heated Rivalry paperback, uh, on eBay right now. It's, you know, I can get a, snag it for 15, and there's al-

Oh, there's open-

... there's another one called-

I was hoping we could go-

... uh, called Game-

... under $3 [laughs]

There's another book called Game Changer-

Hell yeah

... which is from the same authoress.

Authoress, I knew you were gonna say, I knew you were gonna say it.

You, you s- you know me too well, Chris. Um-

You're, you're already fucking... Okay, well, why don't we bundle them?

But the, so, so Game Changer, out of print, first edish, cover is 199.

One, $1.99 cents or $199?

No, no, no. $199, and then I can get the complete Heated Rivalry set, six paperback books, Game Changer, Heated Rivalry, Tough Guy, Common Goal, Role Model, and The Long Game. Each book is about hockey players fucking, and the cartoon, [laughs] the, the cover is, like, a bad AI cartoon. It feels like a, like a real Canadian young author series. That'll go for $250 for all six paperbacks.

If you can get all six for 20... And, and I want, I, I wonder if the r- I wonder if the Role Model is signed by Tucker himself, 'cause I feel like that's definitely where he got his name.

Perhaps.

It's just based on... Wow, this is great. Okay, this is good to know. I'm gonna, I'm gonna set my search parameters. Um-

Uh-huh

... I w- I know you were tuned in to the, to the Golden Globes on Sunday where, um, thank... You know, the best part of that I think was, was, uh, Nikki Glaser really putting the spikes in Barry Weiss while her boss was in the audience paying for the whole thing to happen.

[laughs]

I felt like-

On, on the CBS network.

I f- that was beautiful. I mean, I think Nikki Glaser is really funny in that situation. I think she's better at it than 99% of people.

Mm-hmm.

But, but especially that kind of thing is just... 'Cause I read the, there's a whole, uh, friend of the show, Michael Greenbaum, and, and his coauthor wrote, like, a whole thing about that, that newscast that went awry on CBS last week, and how it's just all... I read it this morning on the treadmill and how it's all being mishandled, so the joke hit a little harder, uh, for me today.

Right. That, that was about how they're, they keep pulling stories and segments for 60 Minutes last minute?

Well, that, that, but also-Well, no. Yes, but also they, they have the guy, the new, uh, the new kind of on-air talent.

Oh.

They fucked up the telepromp- they fucked up the teleprompter and then he started crying, and he was talking about Marco Rubio.

[laughs]

And it was just, it was just like a whole... It's, like, an insane, and it's, like, insane kind of the whole thing.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so I think the, I think the, the screws are on over there at CBS. But I, I thought overall, you know, I don't understand... I thought historically in award shows when, when a movie or a television show would win the award they would show a clip.

Mm-hmm.

And then the, and then the, the music would come on and they would walk, you know?

[laughs]

If, if you're the Skarsgård dad you're walking from the back. If you're Timothée Chalamet you're standing up and taking three steps.

Right.

But w- either way you're on the stage. And this year they had those, those, the, the kind of classic red carpet guys doing play-by-play like it was fucking Madden's NFL.

Yeah.

And, and it was, um, it was something special I have to say. 'Cause the idea is kind of funny but it was, it did not work, I'll say that.

Yeah. The, the play-by-play, it does, you know, it does kind of make you feel dumber even though it's giving you more information. And they're s- they're not doing a bad job at it. Um, I was listening to the, what was it? The Watch on The Ringer network, and they were talking about it, how, like, it is really bad and off-putting and just so strange when, you know, like, the Skarsgård dad will win an award and they'll play, um, Lil Jon and Usher. Yeah.

That part was cool. The music was amazing.

For, like, the, for the seven and a half minutes it takes for him to shuffle his old ass up to the front of the stage. And then the whole time the s- you know, the psycho announcer people are dropping interesting fun facts. Sometimes-

It's true that he... Yeah, he had a hot dog for dinner.

[laughs] And then sometimes they're like la- you know, "Timmy said thank you to his girlfriend, uh, at an awards last week. Will he do it again this week? Polymarket says there's a 67% chance." That kind of stuff really enters the-

Well, I wanna be-

... the sort of dystopian-

I wanna be clear about that because there's this, there's a, a woman at GQ named Savannah who wrote a story about partner and how Timmy said partner and how stupid it is.

Okay.

And I, I just, I wanna stand with her on that, and I think it's brave of her to come out and say that saying partner is stupid. But-

[laughs]

... the question is-

Is, is it brave? [laughs]

It is brave. For, for a woman? Yeah, it's brave.

Okay. Yeah, mm-hmm.

The question is, though-

She's not like the other chicks

... do you think that there was a team meeting over at Chalamet headquarters where they're like, "All right. Kylie's gonna be at these shows. We gotta figure out, is it your girlfriend? Is it your partner?" Like, what... Like, I think this was a calculated decision-

Mm-hmm

... just like wearing Chrome Hearts, uh, at, at every, every occasion.

[laughs]

I think this was... I think they thought partner was gonna really land. And let me tell you something, Kylie Jenner of all people, that's a chick.

[laughs]

That's, that's my chick. That's my chick. That, maybe that's my girlfriend, but m- first and foremost Kylie Jenner, if you're Timothée Chalamet, that's your chick.

Mm-hmm.

Do you not... I mean, you have to agree. I know you agree.

Well, he can't say that on, at, at the Golden Globes though.

I think, I think at this point he could say whatever he wants, and I think people would be like, "Oh my God, he's so cute." Like, I think he's gotten to the point where he's risen above any sort of blowback for anything of that caliber, like, uh, things that matter that much.

Yeah. I mean, obvi- I mean, I, I think people might not like it, but he will, he will not feel any negative effects-

Exactly

... or suffer.

That's, that's right. That's right.

You know, his life will not change whatsoever because the amount of people who can go up on stage and say, "You know what I'm saying? I just wanna thank my chick for sticking through me through thick and-"

[laughs]

You know, like, only, like, Future can get away with that.

Think ab- well, I mean, think about, look, look, in her past relationships do you not think Tyga was saying, "That's my chick"? You know, that you don't think Travis Scott was saying, "That's my chick"? You think Travis Scott would get up there on the Grammy stage-

[laughs]

... in his Nike sweatsuit and say, "Thank you to my partner"-

[laughs]

... and not name? That's the other thing, when you say... Th- they say partner without saying the name. It's like, bro, we all know it's Kylie Jenner. Just say, "My partner Kylie." Like, it makes it even more weird.

Yeah. But I think people have always been weird about thanking their spouses, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives on awards stages.

No, of course.

I think, uh, it's, it's a weird thing that everyone always overthinks and bumbles and just-

They either go too-

No one ever sounds natural when they do it

... I feel like you either go too hard and be, and, like, do 30 seconds about, you know, how they fucking s- blah, blah, blah, or you do something weird, like you're saying, you do a partner. And it's sort of like, yeah, you, you s- There, there's... You're right. There's no, like, comfortable in between that feels successful.

Right. Yeah, everyone always just kind of fumbles it-

I agree

... and just says, "Oh, thank you to the m- the number one rock. Um, she's, um, they're, uh-"

[laughs]

"They're so s- they know who they are. She is-"

And my kids, my kids are upstairs watching. Love you, guys.

[laughs] Yeah, yeah. It's, uh, yeah, my rock. She knows who she is.

It's like, bro, say it. If it's on Wikipedia-

The, the camera-

Like, just-

... is four feet away from her face and she's crying and smiling.

[laughs]

We all know who it is.

Yeah. It's kinda all gravy on that front, guys, ladies and gentlemen. But yeah, it was, uh, it was a... I fell asleep some point I think after the Chalamet victory, but I, I don't think I missed anything really. Um, but I'm glad that awards season's in full swing. Gives us something to talk about. It gives Mary Beth Barone and Kareem a job.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so it's kinda e- every, everybody's winning really.

Happy to see all of us eating.

Every, everybody eats, uh, during awards season, um, especially J- uh, Jonathan Anderson's Dior. Um, but we do have a-

[laughs] Period

... we have a guest today. Sarah Sherman is a comedian. You know her from SNL, and her new special, uh, is on Netflix I believe. Correct, Jason? Netflix?

HBO.

HBO, I'm sorry. HBO and HBO Max of course. Uh, Sarah Squirm: Live & In the Flesh, um, is available everywhere you get your stream on.

Mm-hmm. I s- I, I streamed it last night, and I would be, I would bet my life savings that you did not make it to the end.

Uh, it is, um, a brand of humor that I'm not, uh, s-

[laughs] That, that's precisely why

... super in love with, but I love her as a... I think I, I really-

Mm-hmm

... I, and I wanna talk to her about this, but the-The sort of how SNL is leaning into her and making her sort of like regular and she's killing it, I think is, is a real range show-er, which I'm very impressed by.

When you say making her regular, do you mean putting her in a blonde wig?

Yeah, like making her look like a basic, like a sorority girl nurse, and she's still able to kill whatever that character is, you know?

And then all the dudes watching are like, "Wait a minute now."

Yeah, hold on. What? Hold, hey, you-

Hold up, hold up

... hold on, wait, hold on.

Hold up, hold up.

Goddamn. One second now.

One second real quick now.

All right, let's, uh, let's give her a jingle.

Okay. [jingle plays]

This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian, Stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's a, it's trying to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world, and I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions.

A lot of questions, but how often? 'Cause we do this podcast three times a week, and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do?

Three times a week, and I, I, I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe gonna be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess.

The Guardian is not some billionaire-owned platform. They're not afraid to say what they wanna say, brother.

Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in, in what, uh, journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at, at, uh, Stateside.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch on YouTube. It's three times a week, and, and who couldn't use more news? You know, especially, especially when it's, when it's not, you know, from here, let's say.

[laughs]

Give, give it a, give it a listen. Give it a listen. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by our best friends at BetterHelp. Jason, we're, we're deep into May, which is, uh, Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is just a reminder that whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Life is a damn journey. Some days feel good and others feel overwhelming. Whatever's keeping you up at night, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own. But the truth is, no one has all the answers. Well, and no journey should be alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand, and to support you can really make all the difference.

I agree, Chris, and sometimes, you know, it, it's nice to be talking to somebody even if they're not even listening, even if you don't even get to s- be in the same room with them because what you're doing is you're admitting these things to yourself, and that's the most, that's the most rewarding thing you can do sometimes. So you can have a great little therapy sesh with your perfect therapist at BetterHelp. Choosing between over 30,000 people so you can get the right one just for you. Over six million people globally are using it, and you know, have some breakthroughs. Go on that walk after your BetterHelp sesh. You know, whatever it might be. Get a nice little lunch all for yourself, maybe a non-alcoholic kombucha, and just think and be like, "Damn, I really am him." You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have somebody with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/howlong. That is betterH-E-L-P.com/howlong. [jingle plays]

So I'm at work, mm, behind the Actor's Studio. This is my dressing room.

[laughs]

And we have, like-

Oh, wow. Look at that

... what it, whatever desktop computer with like-

[laughs]

... you know, this fucking thing.

Yeah.

And I was trying to connect my-

For those of us at home, she says a mouse, a computer mouse.

[laughs]

Oh, right. For, like, I'm a visual learner.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Visual learner, audio podcast. I'm here to translate.

Describe, describe what is going on.

Okay, so this is, you know that photo of where they found Whitney Houston's body in the hotel?

Yes. [laughs]

This is the Bever-

[laughs]

This is the Beverly Hilton.

Wait, hold on.

Uh-

Sarah, Sarah, hold on, hold on. You can't just flash that. It looks like, and correct me if I'm wrong, it looks like you have a sink-

Yeah

... on your desk next-

Yeah

... to your computer. Is that ... Okay.

It's called a fucking dressing room, by the way.

[laughs]

I've never been in one.

It's called Hollywood G- it's called Gla- look at those light- that's how you know you're in a dressing room.

Is this 30 Rock right here?

This is 30 Rock.

Ooh.

Put some, put some respect on its name.

Period.

So this is-

[laughs]

Okay, so you're saying you're washing your hands every 15 minutes between Cardi B jokes.

No, literally-

You're kinda getting it in

[laughs]

I, I'm always washing my eyes actually.

What's wrong with-

So-

What's wrong with your eyes, big bro?

They're getting sprayed, and I have to read cue cards, and I, I wear contacts, and we have to read cue cards, and I'm always getting sprayed, and I'm always having to wash my eyes.

Sprayed, you mean like in a, in a comedic sense. There's a spray-

Right

... h- okay, like you're getting slimed-

There's a spray

... let's say.

[laughs]

I'm getting slimed. I'm getting blooded.

Okay. You're getting-

Oftentimes I get bloo- and by the way, this often gets cut after dress, so yeah-

[laughs]

... I know you guys aren't keeping up with my sketches.

So oftentimes you are constantly washing your eyes out, blood, vomit, et cetera, and most of it never even makes it to air is what you're saying.

No, no.

Selfless.

Okay, your, okay, your dressing, your dressing room is giving thrift store Pee-wee playhouse-

Yeah

... kind of vibe.

Yeah, so how m- how long have you been, uh, ignoring the eviction notices on the door?

[laughs]

'Cause it ... [laughs]

[laughs]

You know what is funny? This sink was filling with black slime from below.

[laughs]

Like, it's not, it wasn't coming out of the faucet. It was black slime was filling from below.

Was Jimmy Fall- was Jimmy Fallon washing his face off at the end of the night? What's going on in that building?

Oh, oh.

This feel, this feels like Landman.

Yeah, it does. Yeah.

All that, all that black-

The oil?

... black gold coming up from down below, bubble in the brew.

Didn't see it. I'm a girl. Didn't see it.

Okay, it's a, it's an oil joke.

It's for guys.

Oil come out of the ground.

That's a guy show. But everyone was like, "Oh, Sarah." Like, I was like, "Hey, can someone help me? There's black slime coming up from my sink." And then everyone's like, "You like that, right?"

[laughs]

And I'm like, "Let me have a quality of life that I deserve."

[laughs]

Wait, you hype beast streetwear fancy boys will like this. Fucking-

Yeah, I bet you like that fucking sludge, you freak.

[laughs]

Look, look. Bo Yang-

Uh-huh

... got me fancy perfume.

Is that from Loewe?

It's from Bottega.

Okay.

It's from Bottega.

And I knew y'all fancy boys would know a, what type shit I'm on.

Oh, that is type shit-

I don't wanna break-

... right there. Bottega Veneta, baby

... I don't wanna break your heart. I don't wanna break your heart, Sarah, but that was definitely given to him for free-

No

... and then he re-gifted it to you.

No. No.

[laughs]

I hate to be the one to tell you.

No.

I hate, I hate to be the one to tell you.

Because, because another thing-I have my patchouli collection right fucking here.

[laughs]

Okay? Right fucking here. And he added to it with a fancy one.

Oh.

So this is a Bottega patchouli-

Hype shit.

So he-

Hype shit.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Okay, so Bo- Bottega patchouli. Fun, fun two words to-

Yeah, Bottega Veneta patchouli.

Bottega Veneta patchouli.

I'll t- I'll talk to my, I'll talk to my salesperson at Bottega and kind of have them pull up the records to see what the truth is here. But I'm glad that-

I want you to.

Have Bo and produce a gift receipt.

Yeah, exactly.

You know what I mean?

Gift receipt at minimum.

See what happens.

At minimum.

It came in a bag. [laughs]

Oh.

And I kept... By the way, my Jewish ass keeping the bag.

[laughs]

This is, you know your girl's Jewish when she keeps the bag.

Mm-hmm.

I will say that living in New York-

Or Asian

... those k- those kind of bags come up often-

Anyone but white

... as far as, like, needing them. Like, I keep bags, too, because I need to take stuff out of the house, and I don't wanna, you know-

Right

... I don't wanna have a bag on me all day. I'm a man.

So what do you... Do you have plans for this Bottega green bag? Who's gonna get it next year?

No one's gonna get it. That's what's interesting.

[laughs]

There was a time when, like, I would collect all trash, 'cause I was like, "I might need this for, like, paper mache or something."

Mm.

And I don't live that life anymore, but yet it's still ingrained within me to keep trash. Oh my God, wait, look.

[laughs]

Ariana Grande gave me this.

Is that a sex toy?

Is that a aura ring? What is that?

Listen, you're getting a lot from the five minutes I've angrily logged on and been crazy on this podcast. I go, "Oh my God, you smell amazing. What is that?" She goes, "Here, have it."

[laughs]

And it's her perfume, by the way.

I was about to say.

Oh, wow.

It's, it... I, I knew that was the next, the-

Hype shit. Hype shit.

Grande by Ariana Grande type shit. Okay.

Yeah.

[laughs] Grande by Ariana Grande.

[laughs]

Even though it's muy pequeño. [laughs]

It is muy pequeño. It's a travel size.

Well, just like, just like her, it's cute and small.

Yeah.

It's nice to be able to just move around with it. Okay, so welcome. Thank you for doing this show. I was listening to you on Mike Birbiglia's podcast yesterday in preparation.

Okay.

And it was, it was fun that he was pretending that he didn't know what a BBL was.

[laughs]

[laughs]

You didn't believe that, right?

"What, what's that? A BB- is that, like, girls? Do girls have butts?"

I wouldn't believe he doesn't know about butts.

[laughs] Say more, queen.

I just think, I just... That's kind of his vi- I also like, I-

Like, he's giving virgin?

He's giving... I think what he brought to the table that day was, like... I think sometimes what I bring to the table is people are like, "Sarah Squirm, like, fucking y- to your twisted mind."

[laughs]

Like, I did, um, a, a AM radio. Like, when you do comedy club type shit-

Mm-hmm

... and your ticket sales are bad, you have to do, like, the 6:00 AM radio show, like, in the city-

Of course

... to be like, "Everybody come to the show," whatever.

Tale as old as time.

Of course, of course.

We're in, we're in Hartford tonight at, we got two shows.

Yep.

Chuckle Factory.

Yep.

Come on down.

Morning Zoo Crew.

Yep.

Brr-bing.

6:00 AM, I'm in Phoenix with the, with the squad.

[laughs]

And-

Saw Sydney Sweeney last night looking good. Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's go pay some bills.

[laughs]

Literally, the guy was like, "Sarah Squirm, you're into fucking crazy fucking bullshit. Check this out."

[laughs]

I walk in, 6:00 AM. Immediately pulls up a video of a unhoused man being beheaded by a bus.

[laughs]

[laughs]

And I'm like, "Come on. I just woke up. I'm so dehydrated. It's the desert."

[laughs]

All due respect, love and light to everyone who's ever lived. I don't necessarily wanna be here. I am embarrassed that my ticket sales are so low. It didn't help my ticket sales fundamentally, ultimately.

[laughs]

I did walk, like, 70% of the crowd that night in Phoenix. Anyway-

[laughs]

... they didn't like my big local joke. Phoenix, Arizona, more like Penis, Arizona.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Anyway.

And that was your closer, so that-

Wow.

Yeah. And I did a f- mic drop, and then the sound guy was like, "Hey, that's our mic. You owe us 80 bucks."

You gotta pay for that, bro.

Yeah, yeah.

That's 150. Get, i- it's Sweetwater.

Yeah. [laughs]

Okay.

I mean, I, I feel bad for the people of Phoenix.

I do, too.

They never are gonna get it.

It's-

You know, they're never gonna get what they deserve.

They, it's really hot, so it's hard to li-... They have fans that blow, um, mist-

Mm-hmm, yeah

... in, at, at all the, um-

Mm-hmm. At all the Tommy Bahama locations.

Yes, because it's so hot that you can't-

Mm. Did you eat chi- did you eat chicken fingers for all your meals, or did you kinda try to break it up?

Uh, well, interesting that you said that, because as Jewish, I, and on tour, it's hard for me to eat food-

As Jewish

... that doesn't betray me as Jewish.

Okay, betray you meaning your religious beliefs or your intestinal system?

My but- yeah, my butthole, et cetera. In, in terms of intestine-

Okay

... with regards to butthole.

So it's not like, I, I... It's hard to find a pickle and a rye bread when I'm in Phoenix. It's not that. It's more, like, I have to be very careful what I put inside my body 'cause it could spray at any moment.

Yeah, it could spray, like, the fans that are outside at any moment.

Well, the Courtyard by Marriott Hotel, you know, Phoenix hotel, is probably, you know... They're probably, they know how to disinfect over there.

Hype shit. Hype shit.

[laughs] For listeners at home, she's holding up a bottle of Jewish Caustica Pepto-Bismol. Goes down the drain.

And how quick was that? You didn't even see me reach.

No, no, no, she did not rifle through her belongings whatsoever. It was right there, ready to go.

That's a Cost- that's a Costco size as well.

That's your everyday carry, right? You have a little-

Yeah

... like, where the police keep the taser.

Gunslinger. [laughs]

What do you... What does your diet consist of, then, when you're in New York? What are you able to have and not have?

Yeah, I wa- I want your home meals and your away meals.

Oh, home and away?

Mm-hmm.

Shirts versus skins?

That's right. I wanna know what you're sucking down in Denver, too.

I... So when I'm on the road, it's Morning protein bar. It's over-hydrating with LMNT electrolytes. It's m-

Oh.

Guess what my rider is. Gu- what do you think is on my rider at the clubs?

Diarrhea.

[laughs]

D- a dozen, a dozen GoMacro bars. I'm not sure about your flavor.

Thank you, GoMa- it is GoMacro, 'cause they are-

I know

... typically the-

They're the, actually, no-

... dairy fucking free, bitch. They are dairy and whey free.

[laughs] I need to p- I need to put you on-

No way

... 'cause I discovered the new, I discovered the new GoMacro this weekend in Kingston, New York. It's called Kate's Real Food Energy Bar.

Writing this down now.

And let me tell you somethingThis blew my third eye open. It is abso-

Kate, it's called Kate's Real Food

... yeah, energy bar. I bought two cases already just after having-

Yo.

Skr. The peanut butter and hemp flax is my favorite flavor, but-

Well, also it's available at Walmart, y'all.

Yeah.

It's not, it's not super local or regional.

But all right, so, so Sarah, you're saying that you have, you have g- you have some protein bars, you have some bottled water.

Well, ask me what my rider is.

What's your rider, Sarah?

What do you think is on my rider at the club?

Um, do you drink alcohol on your shows or no?

Nope.

Nope, okay. So no booze.

I have stomach problems.

No cigarettes. Um, uh, is it fruits and nuts?

Girl, dream on.

Nuts, nuts would be bad for you.

Get real. [laughs]

Is it a, okay... Okay, is it a, is it a bowl of white rice, steamed rice?

Saltines.

Oh, that's nice.

Period.

Oof.

Black licorice, period.

Oh, dear God.

Pedial- open the fridge, Pedialyte, period.

[laughs]

Diet Coke, period. And the final ellipses, comma, sugar-free Red Bull, period, dot, closed book, end of story. In conclusion-

You know, I gotta, I gotta say, for someone with a tender tummy-

Yeah

... that collection of items put together seems volatile for-

No

... a stomach. Yes.

Why would that be?

Sugar-free Red Bull, black licorice.

Yeah.

All, all these things swimming together sounds-

What is the, what is the order? What is the order of ingestion?

I want you to have a little chicken broth and some-

Right

... white rice, set the, set the tummy well. Some steamed vegetables.

But sometimes when you're at the Chuckle Hut, Indianapolis, they don't have rice.

[laughs]

But you're lucky they have saltines.

[laughs]

You're lucky they have saltines.

Yes. There is a CVS next-

You're like, "What brand is your rice cooker at the Chuckle Fuck?"

[laughs]

[laughs]

There's, next door is a Hooters and a CVS.

[laughs]

So what... It's, it's a miracle if black licorice arrives.

I'll see if Buffalo Wild Wings has any, any rice for you, but probably not.

What is your, what is your... Is r- is sugar-free Red Bull your preferred? Do you, do you kind of swim in the Celsius waters, or do you stick to, to Red Bull?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna say something that's gonna end my career.

Red Bull is gasoline for your intestines, just gonna let you know, but go ahead please.

But that's fine. That is fine.

[laughs] Okay.

'Cause something need, I need something.

Sure.

We all have our line. We all-

We all have our line

... we have to have our vices. Unfortunately, it tastes like a 7-Eleven, but that's your problem I guess.

Oh, but here's my fucking problem with Celsius, dog. It's actual poison.

[laughs]

Actual poison.

I don't drink, I don't drink any, I don't drink any of this stuff. I'm actually about, I drink coffee and water like a man.

Okay, I'm sorry. You're... Picture it, you've been dropped like that guy on, uh, Google Map when you drop the guy.

[laughs]

You've been dropped, okay? You're in-

You've been served, bitch

... you've been served. You're in Omaha, Nebraska. You gotta make the Chuckle Fuckers laugh. You got two show, it is Friday fucking night. You have an hour and a half of high-octane stand-up comedy. You have to do back-to-back fucking shows.

Mm.

Full crowd work up top.

Yeah.

Full crowd. You're in Portland, Oregon. You're doing stuff like, "There's so many strip clubs in Portland, but honey, I only read the strip clubs for the articles."

[laughs]

That's the kind of local material you're doing.

Oh.

You need energy. Like, you just need a little, a couple sips of sugar-free Red... That's why it's, I do a couple sips. I don't go crazy.

Okay.

A couple sips.

Okay. Uh, that, no, I don't, I don't like any of that stuff. I feel like it does feel deeply unnatural, but if that works for you-

Coffee doesn't-

I would also suggest, there's stuff that you can... You know, there's cocaine, there's other stuff that's, like, a little better for you.

I'm a prude. I don't party. I don't have fun. I don't, I'm not fun to hang out with. I'm not cool.

When, when's the last time you got faded?

I got faded kind of recently.

[laughs] Okay.

I've been, I've been known to get crossfaded, which means dirty martinis and Diet Coke. [laughs] So h- it's, like, getting hyper and tired, crossfaded.

Okay. [laughs]

I... There was an SNL after pa- I, like, literally don't drink, and then there was an a- SNL after-party where I was like, I r- all my sketches got cut, and I was like, "Fuck it, we ball," and had two extra dirty martinis. 'Cause I'm, like, starving, so I'm like, "Oh, I'll get a martini 'cause of the olives."

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Full blackout, leave my keys in the door. I'm, I'm saying-

[laughs]

And then I wake up the next day being like, "God, I have to apologize to everyone I've ever met."

Mm-hmm.

I get a t- Let me pull up the text. Let me fucking, let me pull up the text. Hold on, hold on. It's important. You guys talk amongst yourselves while I-

People, people can... Were, was it like, "I can't believe you said the N-word," or was it like, "Man, you were a freaking legend last night"?

You were, Brady Lees, when did he text me? Brady Lees, shout the fuck out. Brady Lees, um, 2:00 PM, "You were so fun last night. You should have two martinis every day."

[laughs]

Wow, that's a-

This, this was the first time you've been fun to be around.

Yep.

You're getting texts like that. Yeah.

Everyone's like, "You're, like, hilarious."

Okay. Well, I mean, you're very funny, but then throw a couple martoonis on there, you know, we're cooking with fire. So are you, why don't you do that? Because I feel like a lot of people-

Mm

... you have a little alcohol, you come out of your shell, you become the person that you, your anxiety has been holding back.

I'm a uptight ner- no, I'm an uptight neurotic Jew. That's not my style.

But that's what, that's what the alcohol is for, is so you get out on the dance floor, man.

Oh, you know what's funny actually? I actually got crossfaded recently that I forgot about, on New Year's.

Okay.

I did a shot with Andy Cohen at the New Year's ball or whatever, like, five minutes before I'm supposed to go. I'm, like, freezing cold in Times Square, about to go l- li- lights, camera, action, live.

Mm-hmm.

And he's like, "Let's do a shot of tequila." Obviously I black out immediately, and then I start being hilarious on live TV.

[laughs] I think that's fine, because you are a person who is, like, you have a good heart inside of you, and-

Right

... I'm not worried that you're going to black out and s- you know, do something unforgettable, unforgivable, career ruining.

Right.

Yeah, you're not Andy.

Ri- I said pornOn live TV, it felt good.

I don't think, I think Andy and-

Just the word porn

... Anderson are, are trying to make porn. I think that's worse than maybe porn, the word.

That would go the fuck off if they just did Live with Andy and Am- Anderson, It's Porn.

[laughs]

If they, honestly, if they just k- if they just kissed passionately-

We're two years away from that, by the way, you guys

... it'd be the best ratings that show has ever gotten.

Did you... Have you guys explored whether or not your podcast needs to do porn?

Yeah, we were just talking about it, actually.

[laughs]

Yeah, we were. I-

I mean, we, we have to shut down offers on a weekly basis.

Yeah. They're, they're s- they're pitching.

Who are they?

Those Heated Rivalry guys have gotten super busy, and they're looking for a replacement.

And it's more so just DMs from guys who are like, "What if you kissed, though?"

Yeah, that's usually our normal... Yeah, it's, it's-

Can you take a photo where he's on your lap this time?

[laughs] Yeah.

Are you guys dating?

We're married to women.

Have you never ki- [laughs] Ugh.

Sorry.

Sick. You make me sick.

Sorry to disappoint. Yeah, we're just two straight guys, man. Just regular-

What, you don't, you don't like women? What's up?

Oh, don't let the bisexual haircut fool you. I am straight as well. Let's go.

[laughs] Yeah, actually, speaking of, speaking of, I was watching-

Straight rights

... I was watching your special. How-

Thank you, by the way. Thank you.

Of course, of course.

No, but let me ex- I mean, let me just say, I'm going on these fucking podcasts being like, you know, I'm hit, I'm boots on the pavement. I'm hooves to the grindstone-

[laughs]

... trying to get people to watch this fucking special. I'm doing... Listen, you guys aren't special. I'm doing every podcast in town.

Hey, Sarah, I wanna be clear. We've been talking for over a year-

[laughs]

... to schedule you on How Long Are We?.

We're a little special, Sarah. Come on.

You're a, you're a slippery little bitch.

We're n-

I am.

[laughs]

I... We'll get... By the way, guess what's on the other side of that door.

What?

Colin Jost?

Finn Wolfhard. Okay?

Finn?

Oh, wow. Finn.

Finn. I'm, as soon as I crawl my tiny little a- nope, sorry, it's huge. I'm a pog.

[laughs]

As soon as I crawl my wide ass out of that door, I'll be shooting a promo with Finn Wolfhard. Okay?

So you get, you get to be in the promo with Finn Wolfhard? Are, okay.

I'm a little busy.

No, I understand you're busy.

I'm a little, I'm a little slippery.

Who is the musical guest with Finn?

A$AP Rocky.

Okay, okay. Is he in the promo with you as well?

He... It's w- it's the other kind of promo.

Oh.

There's two kinds.

Sure. I've watched promos before.

There's, like, the one that's, like, funny sketch to promote the show that week, and then there's the one where it's, like, the musical guest, the host, and the-

Yes

... the SNL cast members standing, like, execution style in front of a fire and stuff.

That's my favorite one. That's my favorite one.

Me too. They don't let me do that one as much.

[laughs] Is it... Well, w- yeah. Well, I mean, whenever it's, like, a rapper, the, they don't really get too jokey-jokey with it. They're, you know, rappers are never too improvy with the SNL promo bits.

He's so jokey, though.

Hmm.

I think he's trying to, I think he wants to break into that world more than most.

He's doing, like, shoegaze indie rock.

[laughs]

Oh, we've heard it, and we'll s-

And nothing more silly billy than shoegaze, right?

Yeah, yeah.

[laughs]

Nothing says ha ha ha like a wall of sound.

He's a goofball. [laughs]

I will-

Yeah, that's

... I will say, and I just wanted to say this before you guys rudely cut off the female narrative-

[laughs]

... I've done a lot of podcasts recently. I appreciate that you've watched it. Many have not.

Uh-huh.

Many.

Right, right, right.

Many.

Well, let me say this as someone who hasn't watched it. Um-

Right

... I think-

No. And, and what do you think it is like?

[laughs]

I think it's, I think because you are such a, we see you every week-

Right

... on television, that I do, I do feel like, it's like, well, I know her. I don't, I know her. I mean-

That ain't me.

I, I see you on tele- I mean, I've seen you on television before.

That's Sarah Sherman.

This special, this special is more of your final form.

Mm-hmm.

And it is too hot for TV.

You're saying that... Oh, so you're, so you're saying you have two person- you're, you're bipolar.

Yes. That ain't-

You have multiple personality disorder.

Yes. You see Sarah Sherman on TV. That special is Sarah Squirm.

You leave the blonde wig at home when it's Squirm time.

Is there a secret third thing that you're, you haven't revealed to the world yet?

Sarah Normal.

Oh.

What is, what is-

Well, Sarah Normal is, Sarah Normal Activity is the blonde wig Sarah.

[laughs] Sarah Normal Activity is good.

Well, she-

Yeah. [laughs]

I was talking about this on the intro. I like that, that the powers that be have sort of just tried to kind of... They, they've made you a regular hot chick on TV now.

What if we made you fuckable this week?

They, they-

What do you say?

... dim your freak light, and you seem to thrive in that, I will say.

Y- well, people are like... It's that classic thing when a man goes like, "Wait, without your glasses, did you know that you're beautiful?"

[laughs] When Freddie Prinze Jr. tells you-

[laughs]

... "Wow," when you take your hair out of a bun, and you're like-

Wait. Whoa

... "Oh, shit, you're actually fuckable."

It's, it's so interesting to me-

[laughs]

... because it's like y'all thought I was wearing clown suits, um, because I thought I couldn't pull it off.

[laughs]

Who do you think can pull it off, by the way?

Good point. Good point.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Good point.

A cute little thing.

Good point.

Yeah.

So, but do you think, have you seen a different response from men out in the world now that they've seen you as, like, a blonde sorority chick at the restaurant?

Even my own boyfriend, like, sometimes I'll have-

[laughs]

[laughs] I'll, I'll have my friends, like, hanging out in my dressing room, like, during the show, and I'll, like, come into the dressing room, like, in costume, and everyone's like, "LOL." My boyfriend was like, "Whoa."

[laughs]

I'm like, "What do you mean whoa?"

And he's like, "Nothing. I mean, I have to go."

[laughs] Um.

Nothing, babe. You always look good. I like that we live in Bushwick.

[laughs] I like the rat tail. It's good when it gets in my mouth. It's awesome.

I would s- I would say, regardless of your walking around look, you are m- more different than the average bear out in the world, but you throw a blonde wig on anyone who doesn't have blonde hair, and it's gonna be a whoa. You know what I mean?

No, I look amazing. Just let me have that.

You do. I mean-

Let me have that

... of, of course you look very amazing.

[laughs]

But do you think... Now, has your, has your inbound started banging different once the, the powers that be in Hollywood have seen you look like this? Or the role... Are you-

Let me be frank.

Is it, like, you versus Kristen Bell now? Is it different?

Maybe g- let's get this chick in the mouth of an anaconda. She's a baddie.

Let me be fucking frank.

[laughs]

I have not seen one ingenue part slip into the inbox.

Uh-huh.

And for that, I'm calling antisemitism.

Yeah, it feels like it.

Okay.

It feels like it.

It feels like it.

Sure.

[laughs]

There's nothing I could... Yeah, I mean, that's the only answer I see.

With everything going on in the world, how could it not be?

With everything going on, I look too Jewish to be 28?Tell me I look 28.

[laughs]

I actually, I didn't know how old you were, so 28 works for me.

With my sunglasses on and hat on inside, how old do you think I am?

Uh, you're probably, like, 31.

I'll allow it.

How old are you?

30-fucking-2.

Uh, you should allow that.

That's really sweet of you.

Thank you.

How old do you think I am?

I think the both of you are two gay guys in a married relationship, and you're both 37.

We'll really take it.

[laughs]

I'm 40 ... I'm 43. Grandpa is, like, f- pushing 45, I think.

Yep.

Let's go, 'cause you guys got the th- you guys got the puppy filters on.

[laughs]

People don't ... Here on the podcast, they have the Snapchat puppy filter.

[laughs]

We do try to dis-

It's true

... we try to disguise. So what's the, what's your favorite lunch near Rock Center?

Oh.

Is it, wh- which Chopped are you going to?

Dude, I've been kinda going crazy on Just Salad.

[laughs]

Okay. Jason, are you familiar with Just Salad?

I, I know about Just Salad 'cause they have s- they have soups too, right?

I-

[laughs]

[laughs] Don't you fucking dare.

[laughs]

Don't you ...

I mean, it's-

By the way-

... it's the middle of winter

... by the way, the geni- they're up-

Hold on

... off the boardroom. They're like-

[laughs]

... "What the fuck do we call this place? I have no..." And someone goes, "I don't know. It's just fucking salad." And they go-

[laughs]

... "Take the fucking L. We in business, dog."

You're hired.

Boing, yoing, yoing. All right. So Just Salad, I've never been there. I've been to most of the other fast casual, Chopped, Sweetgreen, Cava. But, but what makes Just Salad superior for you, a woman, a busy woman?

I think the c- I think Just Salad, they let animals in there as well as humans to hit the trough, right?

[laughs]

Don't, don't talk about Sarah like that.

[laughs] I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

She's a human being.

Don't talk about wet slop bowls like that.

[laughs]

[laughs]

I've just seen other Just Salad locations, and it seems like there's a separate entrance for humans and one for animals.

They just open-

Let me, let me be fucking frank.

[laughs]

There's a vegan feta. Like-

Ugh.

[laughs]

Like-

God, no. Who wants that?

Skrrt.

Vegans don't even want that.

Skrrt.

[laughs]

Put it in park, hop out the t- hey.

Do you know what it's made out of? Is it made out of cashew?

Vio life. Don't know what that means.

[computer sound] Every time I go to the doctor, I walk out of that bitch feeling dumb. I got no real info. This guy in a white coat just say, "You're fine," you know? "Drink more water."

He knows how to charge my copay.

Exactly. As if-

That's about it

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[laughs]

So from disease prevention to treating that annoying brain fog or simple optimizing for your gym game, let's go. SuperPower is more comprehensive and advanced system out there.

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What is Revolve Man, Jason? It's ... Oh, [laughs] funny you ask.

What's a Revolve Man?

It's a R- a place where guys who care about how they look go to shop. Revolve Man is stocked with only the elevated essentials and trend-forward styles from brands like Polo, Ralph Lauren, Solomon, Fear of God Essentials for our hoopers out there, and more. It's not fast fashion, and it's not stuffy. It's the sweet spot between looking intentional and not looking like you tried too hard. That's what we're all trying to accomplish out here, Jason. New arrivals drop twice a week with free two-day shipping and next-day options. Plus, returns are genuinely easy.

Genuinely, yeah. It's one of those things, we're all busy. Let's say we got an important dinner coming up at the end of the week. It's Tuesday. You're working every single day. You don't have time to go shopping and try clothes on and blah, blah, blah, or even just browse. You know, Revolve, it's all there. It's all curated for what you want, and then you click buy. You go to bed. Couple days later, that shows up in packaging that's a little nicer than the, the other places you're buying clothes from, and you've got a nice look for the big night out. And then you're like, "Wait a minute. I don't even have to return this because I enjoy this clothing and I wanna wear it again another time," versus all those dumb other websites. So whether it's a big night out, a wedding, a trip, or you just need something last-minute that actually works, Revolve Man always has it. Go to revolveman.com/howlong to shop and use code HOWLONG for 15% off your order, free two-day shipping, easy returns. It just makes everything easier. That is revolve.com/howlong, and use the promo code HOWLONG to get 15% off your entire order. Offer ends soon. Don't sleep on it. And you don't need clothes too. You can get just, you know, a cool candle or an incense gift for a baby shower, whatever it is, revolve.com/howlong.

[computer sound] Don't know what that means. And they have an olive-based salad.

Oh. [laughs]

So yeah.

You're ... Okay, so you-

I'm pulling the fuck up.

You are having-

[laughs]

It sounds to me like you're either creating or working-

How do you not have so much diarrhea-

This sounds like the nastiest-

... an olive-based salad

... salad on Earth.

[laughs]

What do you put in this salad? What, what on Earth would you concoct?

I just Googled it.

[laughs]

Romaine. This is the one that they have that I like.

Okay.

It's called Dirt Candy.

[laughs]

So-

Sure

... I'm listening.

[laughs]

Romaine, check. Arugula, check. Sesame tofu, check. Shaved broccoli, check.

Mm-hmm.

Cucumber, best vegetable period, check. Tajín spiced pumpkin seeds.

Mm-hmm.

Skrrt.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Pepperoncini, skrrt, skrrt.... olives, skirt, skirt, skirt. Vegan ranch dressing, I don't do that. I do the balsamic vinaigrette, and b- and we're out.

That sounds pretty good, actually. I'm, I'm, I'm down with that.

Yeah, that doesn't sound bad. I'm... But the tofu preparation matters because some of these slop bowl places get it right, some get it wrong.

It's not about that. It's about the pepperoncini, it's about the olives. If you're wondering-

Pepperoncini, pepperoncini is only something that I see when it comes free with a Papa John's pizza.

[laughs]

No one's eating that by choice.

What are you absolutely talking about?

Who eats that by choice? You want that chopped up?

I spent some time in Chicago not to be like this. I lived in Chicago for eight years not to be like this. It comes up.

Yeah. It's a, it's like, like a, a jardinière situation.

Yes.

The pepperoncini is-

Yes

... is in heavy play, but it's not a... It, it's a nice accoutrement, I would say less of a fundamental element of a salad, but that's just how much of a-

I mean-

... twisted bitch you are.

What do you think... I know you're not paying for it, but what's this salad hitting for when you send the intern down to grab it?

Excuse me?

[laughs]

I'm sorry. You think I'm not-

When the page goes to grab it-

You think I'm not-

... what do you think it's hitting for?

... paying for it?

I mean, I think it may come out of your check.

Uh, they don't pay us here, girl.

[laughs] That's why we're pushing the special, huh?

Yeah.

I can tell by your dressing room that you don't get paid very much-

[laughs]

... but I thought they would at least cover lunch.

Nope. That-

Wow

... well, that, they keep you skinny, they keep you hungry.

Mm.

They keep you alert. There's no food. They do not feed you.

Very.

We get McDonald's two night at midnight.

[laughs]

They put out 300, like, Trump hamburger style, whenever he did that.

[laughs]

They put out 300 McDonald's hamburgers and fries, and then you just see all the little, the writers come out, 'cause it's writing night tonight. All the writers come out and start putting their doo-doo hands all over the food.

[laughs]

And so I don't eat the McDonald's on writing night 'cause, eh, that's-

Right

... you've seen as much as-

'Cause it's been touched by the normies.

Yeah.

Okay. So the longest-running, most successful television show of all time, they're kinda running it like a FEMA camp over there.

[laughs] Yes.

Well, what is the-

Yeah

... okay, so what is the hour on a writing night? 'Cause the, the, the hours at Saturday Night Live are, are, you know, historically awful, I guess-

Mm-hmm

... for people who don't like to grind.

[laughs]

Yeah, it-

So what is this, this long night that you speak of? What do we ta- what time do you get there, what time do you leave?

I just got here right now to do this radio play.

Okay.

Um, and then I'll be shooting... Do you wanna hear my day, actually, by the way?

Break it all down.

Would love.

Love to know.

Would love. Yeah, make a meal of it.

The li- oh, a day in the life of a POG? Let's go.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Eyes peel open at 9:00 AM.

Okay.

Peel.

Uh-huh.

I s- scream at my boyfriend, "Make me coffee, now."

[laughs]

Well, he's a, he's a barista, so it's easy, right?

[laughs] Uh, think again.

[laughs]

He's in grad school. That's right.

[laughs]

And that's right.

Okay, so you're, wow, you're, okay, so you're a-

Okay

... you're a 32-year-old POG dating a student. This is hot.

Yeah. [laughs]

He's funemployed. He's funemployed.

Yeah. [laughs]

I'm a MILF. He's broke. Let's go.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I, he makes coffee, I'm smiling.

Mm-hmm.

Then I crawl my ass over to my second day of the week for, lying on the couch like this, psychoanalysis.

Mm-hmm.

Then I hop on the train. I crack open my sci-fi book that I'm addicted to right now, Book of the New Sun: Shadow of the Torturer, Claw of the Conciliator.

[laughs]

Then-

Jesus Christ

[laughs]

I'm praying for you.

Then, [laughs] then I stomp my Rick Owens boots up to the, thought you guys would like that-

[laughs]

... up to the ni- made Lauren buy these for my birthday.

We make no money. The, check out my Rick Owens boots.

[laughs] No. I made Lauren get the... Lauren gets us birthday presents every year.

Do you think Lauren went-

He said, "Give me the Ricks"

... imagine Lauren-

[laughs]

I would love to see Lauren inside the Rick Owens store interfacing with the staff there.

[laughs]

That's a fun idea.

I'll have, um, I'll have the harness, the leather harness please.

Is there a warranty for this boot?

[laughs]

All right. So you're on the train. You get, you, you get-

I stomp up to my dressing room. I log on.

Stomping in those Air Force 1s.

They're so heavy.

Okay.

I'm basically burning calories.

What's your password on your computer?

I want to tell you 'cause it's so funny.

I bet.

But I can't because it's my password to everything.

Oh.

But I want... I'm telepathically telling you guys. Can I mouth it to you gu- or can I-

We can bleep. We bleep often.

I'm gonna write it on a Notes app.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

That's better than I could've ever imagined, honestly.

I really want... It's manifesting.

Right, right, right.

And every time I change it to manifest it-

Okay, I, I will refrain from making jokes-

And it doesn't work

... because it could get people off on the scent of what it is. I don't want you to be-

Right

... a victim of cyber hacking. Just let, just let, I wanna let the audience know-

Yes

... it's something I'm really, really against.

[laughs] Right.

[laughs] Oh, Dustin.

And I will say, if my nu- if people are like, "Oh, let's hack so we can get her nudes out," there are no nudes. I do not do that.

Okay.

Disgusting. I don't wanna see them.

There's nothing in the Bank of America. There's nothing in the XXX folder.

Nope.

There's no reason for you to hack me at all.

Nope.

Okay. Okay.

Then I log on to this Zoom, okay? The minute this ends, I'm gonna go shoot a promo for the whatever. It's, the script is hilarious. Wonder if it changed. Whatever.

[laughs]

I have to be in hair and makeup, obviously, for five and a half hours. [laughs]

[laughs]

Then after that, it's writing night. I go try to write a sk- so then I'll probably shoot that till 3:00 PM. Then from 3:00 to 8:00, I will be in a blind panic knocking on every door in the office begging someone on my hands and knees to write a sketch with me.

[laughs]

I have written out 25 sketch ideas for the week.

Wow.

Can we go over, like, two of them, and maybe we can help workshop?

Um, do you wanna hear the one I pitched out loud that literal- like, it was kind of a joke, but nobody laughed.

[laughs]

So it's, um, it's The Pit.

Like the HBO hospital show, The Pit?

It's a spinoff of The Pit, but it takes place, um, in Cleveland, so it's called The Clit.Okay, so that's kind of it.

[laughs]

And then the only-

You're saying, you're saying that didn't kill, as they say-

Where-

At the-

No bites

Can you, can you do that-

No bites?

... on NBC even though it's late night? Can you say-

You c- um-

... clit that, that much?

I-

That prominently?

You can't.

Okay.

By the way.

[laughs] Okay.

Okay.

You literally can't.

I didn't think so.

You, you get-

Good to know. Good to know

... every, every time you have a sketch on the show, you get, like, an email from, like, the FCC person, the, the-

Mm-hmm

... standards and practices person that's like, "Hey," like, "you can say... You can't say dick," or, like, "You've said ass too much."

Mm-hmm.

Or, like, whatever, whatever.

Right.

One time I got just a, a note for a sketch that was in the show that made it to air that was b- the entire sketch is too misogynist.

[laughs]

[laughs] It's got, it's got Sherman's stank all over it-

It-

... if it's misogynist.

They're like, "It's just, it's unfit for television," the jokes.

Damn.

And it was about a sex doll called Fuglyana for fugly guys.

[laughs]

[laughs] I remember that, I think.

It was funny, I thought.

Fuglyana.

[laughs]

All right, so you're... All right, so you're, you're-

[laughs]

... begging your coworkers to collaborate with you for five hours.

Going door to door.

Yeah.

"Hey, please, sir, can you help me write a sketch?"

You're, you're-

Yeah

... yeah, you're a Jehovah's Witness looking for collaborators.

Yeah. I mean, usually I'll write... My problem, I'll write the sketch and then be like, "Is anyone interested?" And everyone's like, "No."

[laughs]

"What are you talking about? Another thing I've written down here-"

[laughs]

... you know, Dungeons and Dragons.

Oh.

What about Onions and Dragons?

[laughs]

Could be something.

What about it?

[laughs]

That could be something? Let me tell you right now-

Could be

... no one's gonna wanna colla-

I mean, Jewish people like onions a lot, right?

Exactly.

No one's gonna wanna collaborate on that.

Yeah, I mean, the sci-fi stuff, h- have we... Maybe something a little more topical. The Globes just happened. You know, Super Bowl's going on. We wanna think big picture. Did you-

The Super Bowl's going on?

Football. It's, the Super Bowl, the NFL playoffs are happening right now. We're about to, this, you know-

They are?

These are just big things that are happening in the world.

So football, football's a sport that goes pretty way, like, it's pretty popular in this country. I don't know if you're from here.

I literally won't know about something, and then, like, I'll find out 'cause someone wrote a sketch about it.

Right. Right, right. So a- your, SNL is your news.

It's my news.

That's the beauty, that's the beauty of the job to me.

Yeah. [laughs]

That's, that's, that's beautiful.

Nobody's-

So you watch Weekend Update, and you're like, "Oh, good to know."

Oh.

"Good to know."

There's trouble in the Middle East. Wouldn't know it, but okay.

I think you, I think you guys should do, like, a sc- a CBS sketch where you play Bari Weiss. I think that'd be really-

Mm.

Mm.

I think that's actually... That's a three B.

Can you do a Bari? I think you can do a Bari.

That's a three B on me. That's a three.

I, I, I could probably do a Bari 'cause I... Listen, I've done Wolf-

And also you're Jewish, so you have the pass.

Yeah.

You got the J pass.

Wait, what happened with her? What happened? See, there's no sketch yet, so I don't really know.

Okay, so she, she, she's, like, a, a woman that everyone says is, like, uh, acting only on behalf of Israel and their dark interests.

Sure.

She was appointed to run CBS News. Everyone hates her.

Right.

She's doing a bad job, and everyone-

She had a very popular-

It's, like, she, like, it-

She worked at The New York Times, then she left to start a pu- v- like, one of the highest grossing Substacks called The Free Press.

Right.

She a Liz too.

She a Liz too.

Listen, this is none my business.

[laughs]

This is none my beeswax.

Okay, well-

We're trying to give you some ideas that might appeal to the audience, not your little sci-fi shit.

What about Onio- well, let's see what else I got written down.

So nothing for Onions and Dragons at all, huh?

[laughs]

Okay. Okay. I mean, it could be, like, a, like, an Awesome Blossom-

Oh

... at Chili's, like a onion, you know, the, you know, the blooming onion.

There we go.

Okay.

There we go.

This still isn't working for me, but go ahead.

You know, for, like, a sci-fi Chili's angle 'cause that's really hot.

Right.

Both of those things are super hot right now. [laughs]

Right. Right.

Yeah, those are-

And I could be like-

... super popular topical stuff

... "Hey, what can I get y'all started from?" You know, this is the Phoenix, Arizona, obviously.

[laughs]

Chili's, remember? "Hey, what can I get y'all started with? You want diet Cokes? You want blooming onions? You want the Claw of the Conciliator?"

[laughs]

"You want the Terminus Est, the largest sword that can only be, uh, weaponized by either a Torturers Guild member?"

Mm-hmm.

So that's kinda what's going on in my book right now.

Mm-hmm. That, that's a, it's, it's a little more kind of Bushwick open mic sketch play-

You know what I'm saying?

... than less-

Yeah

... kind of national television.

No, Jason, Jason, think of A$AP Rocky doing it, though-

[laughs]

... and then you'll see it.

Period.

[laughs]

Okay. Also, you guys keep forgetting that it's W- Finn Wolfhard is hosting.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, but I, I know that A$AP Rocky's gonna be in a sketch.

He's so... He has the perfect face. Have you ever seen-

His little thir- his little thirsty ass wants to be in Hollywood. He's gonna be in a little sketch. He did that movie with Denzel.

He did If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You.

Did he?

Yes. Oh, come on, guys. Go to the movies.

He's one of the best gay rappers out right now.

Go to the movies, guys.

I don't go to the... Sarah, you know I don't go to the mo- you know I don't go to the movies.

Go, guys-

I, I don't have time for that

... movies need us now more than ever.

No, I, I've been to the m- I've seen Marty Supreme and Sentimental Val in the theaters in the last month. That's not bad.

Oh, wow, pat yourself on the back.

What about this one? What about this one?

I give money to Charity. Everybody knows.

I, um, okay, what else you got, Sarah?

So it's like these are all my The Pit ideas.

Okay.

So then it's, um, what if it's Open Up The Pit?

Oh, okay. Okay.

Oh, and it's a mosh. Now you're-

Yeah

... now you're talking.

Yeah.

Okay, now you're talking.

Yeah.

Okay, that could be the first straight edge skit on SNL.

Yeah, a straight edge skit on SNL would be big for us specifically a- and our community. That would be huge.

Are you guys fucking edge? You got the, you got the one, dude. You might be edge.

[laughs]

You got the one.

Sweetheart, this is the point five.

Wait, for the listeners at home-

Don't get it twisted

... the one, the one means the, the skinhead haircut. We, Chris and I both used to be straight edge. We grew up as straight edge hardcore vegan warriors.

Oh.

We do need a, we do need some representation on SNL. I think that could work at this point.

Wow. What do, what kind, what kind of, like, are we... You guys are straight edge hardcore, straight edge punkers?

Yeah.

Like, what, who is your, who is your guys? As Mairin says, "Who are your guys?"

[laughs] Who are your guys, man? Earth Crisis? Who was it, man?

Yeah, Earth Cri- Earth Crisis. You know, Strife, Warzone, Converge, American Nightmare.

Gorilla Biscuits.

Youth of Today.

You know.

What, what are your, what, who are your guys?

Sarah?

Listen, I'm not edge, dude. So my guys are-

Who are your guys, man? Weird Al Yankovic, uh.

[laughs]

You do, though, you do seem like a chick who would've been at hardcore shows, though, I gotta say.

You were, you were going to Lightning Bolt shows at RISD, something like that.

Yo.

Yeah, you definitely saw Lightning Bolt.

Dope.

[laughs]

Hey, excuse me, have some respect for my Slayer tattoo, my friends.

Uh-oh.

Have some fucking respect.

Wow. She's raining in blood, she's south of heaven.

[laughs]

So you know, you've been to a, a gathering that straight edge, hot straight edge guys were at, I assume.

Okay. Oh, wow, with the Death-

Wow

... the Death poster over there. Okay, so this is where you should do the pit angle where it's like it's a hospital, but all the doctors are just, like, metalheads.

Yeah.

That i-

That's good

It's like a Headbangers Ball meets the hospital show.

Yeah.

I really like that.

Headbangers Ball meets Nurse Jackie.

And it's just like Nurse Jackie splitting open blood bags and like, like... [growls]

[laughs] I think Nurse Jackie was on pills, so it kinda works against the straight edge angle, but I don't wanna interrupt the process.

Yeah, the, the, the doctor is doing open heart surgeries, got a RIP Dimebag shirt on underneath his, his, uh-

Well, Noah-

... scrubs

... Noah Wiley y- Noah Wiley would look... He would fit in perfectly at one of these reunion tours.

Honey, he'd-

Look-wise

... fit in anywhere. Hello. Hello.

Oh.

[trills]

His, his wife is hot, too. He's got, like, a hot family. I'm ha- I'm happy for him.

Yeah, you think he'd have a fugly wife? He's stunning. What are we talking about?

No, sometimes, sometimes when guys are-

Do you have doctor kink?

Um, no.

As a Jewish person, you know, it's kinda-

Actually, I-

... baked in

... I have, like, the Jewish person... If someone's too Jewish, I'm like, "Ugh, I can't. What are you, my cousin?"

Mm-hmm. [laughs]

You know what I'm saying?

Don't talk about-

Okay, okay

... don't talk about Naomi Fry like that. You know that's a-

[laughs]

... that's a mutual friend of ours, and I-

That's my cousin

... I f- you're actually-

[laughs]

You guys are actually cousins. Okay, that was my confusion.

Well, ac- actually, speaking of, of that, it reminded me of something you said on the special, where you were, you were talking about-

Thank you. Thank you, Jason.

[laughs]

You, you mentioned... I can't, um, like, here's an impression of the audience trying to find a single joke-

Uh-huh

... in, in this. And then-

So he made it for the first five minutes. Great

... but I wanted to point out that right before you said that, you said a perfect fastball, like, street joke, which was Jewish people should be more into free Palestine because it's free.

Yes. [laughs]

That's just, like... To me-

Good stuff

... so I wanted to follow up, is that joke sound enough for a non-Jewish person to say and get away with it?

Yes.

I think, I think it is.

And the joke used to be longer, and then I was like, I was like, "I can't be too hard about this, 'cause it is a genocide."

And Jeselnik was like, "Just shorten it, bro."

[laughs]

And then you... And it worked out? [laughs]

[laughs]

And then he was like, "What if there was, like, a dead baby or something?"

[laughs]

Let me over here.

And then what if you throw a baby down the stairs, fucking dies.

[laughs]

And you're like, "No, this is not..." Okay. Sorry, go ahead.

'Cause I was like, I was worried about that joke, 'cause I was like, "Ah, it is k- kinda too re-" But what was it? Oh, so you can have this. You can take this. You're not Jewish?

No.

You're not Jewish?

I'm often confused for one.

Are you Italian?

No, I'm, like, a, a little Spanish, a little white, a little Native American. Put it together.

Don't do this.

Oh. Na- he, he couldn't wait to tell us about the Native American part. He couldn't wait. [laughs]

No, he... Trust me, he brings it up every chance he gets.

I, I, I... Of course I bear the lead.

Do you know how many times I've heard this? Do you know how many times I've suffered through this?

Right.

I guess I just have a little Native in me or whatever.

Or whatever. I'm a cool Jew. I believe in a free Palestine. Of course I do. I'm Jewish and it's free. Honey, I'd settle for a BOGO Palestine.

[laughs]

So I did cut, I did cut BOGO.

Dude, that's good.

But, but I did say that-

That's good. That's good

... 'cause I don't believe that. I actually wouldn't settle for a BOGO.

Well-

I was like, "You know what? Even though that joke is funny, I don't believe that, so I won't say it."

I'm glad that you're keeping it 100 with yourself.

With the, with the first special under your belt, I think you're only going to get more, you know, simplify the economy of words.

Right.

Really get into that-

Yeah

... Shane Gillis level, where you're gonna be doing stadiums.

Yeah.

And I think we're-

I'm gonna-

... on the way

... I'ma strip down. I- it's gonna be Sarah... I should do a Sarah Normal special. Blonde wig, shirt, pants.

Shirt, pants.

No set.

[laughs]

Just be like, "Yeah."

All right, so we're gonna wear clothes on the special. Got it.

Yep. Yep.

That is super norm-maxing, I guess.

You know what? You wouldn't know hide nor hair about what I do on stage, Chris, 'cause you haven't seen a frame.

I-

You wouldn't even know.

I've seen a frame.

[laughs]

I've seen a frame. I-

Marry a frame

... yeah, I watched First One In.

Chris said he was funny. I'm gonna go-

I watched First One In-

But I'm more interested in-

Why'd you tap out?

Because I don't like comedy like that really.

You were... You had to ta- dude, I opened up the fucking pit. You tapped the fuck out.

[laughs]

[laughs]

I think that I'm a, I'm such a fan of your work-

Right

... that I, maybe I-

You don't wanna sully it

... that it... Well, I wasn't gonna say that. I'm saying maybe now that we've interacted in a more-

Yeah

... real way, I can go back and l- view it differently. You know? It's not-

Though I will say the last eight minutes is a noise set.

[laughs]

Does that appeal to you at all?

I'm not-

Sweetwater.

I'm not s-

My Sweetwater rep be calling.

It's a, it's an ambient set. [laughs]

It's so... This is the joke I, I said that but the-

This is Brad from Sweetwater. Just wanna make sure-

Jason gave me-

... your cable came through okay.

Jason gave me a new cable from Sweetwater for my mic, and I mentioned this-

I got him the Rolls-Royce of XLR cables for Christmas

... I mentioned this to Katie. I mentioned-

Brandon

... I mentioned this to Wax Hatchee, and she was like, "Jason's fucked." I'm like, "Why?" She's like, "That guy's never gonna stop calling him." I'm like, "He only bought a single cable." She's like, "It doesn't matter."

Oh.

No, it's true. I get a call a week from Sweetwater, but the problem is, I like it, because they'll, they'll be like-

I like it too. I love it

... "Hey..." 'Cause the first time he called, he's like, "Hey, I saw that you gave this, uh, you bought this as a gift," and this was right before Christmas. I was just, like, gonna get him a new cable. It wasn't, like, a Christmas thing. They're like-

Wasn't with you

... "We went ahead and bumped it up and gave you free two-day shipping so it'll arrive-"

Oh, that's, that's nice

... you know, before the, before the new year. I'm like, "Thanks, Brad from S-

That is nice

... from Sweetwater."

And it co- you're... I mean, another, you're bearing the lead again. It comes with candy, bro.

But it's, I got... Look, I, I was very excited about that because all my musician friends had told me that.

Suck on that, Guitar Center.

And then I got the candy. I gotta say, it's the cheapest, shittiest candy.[laughs]

It's an assortment

No, free candy needs to be Hershey's products.

No.

I don't want this budget shit.

Wait, there's a Snickers? Isn't there usually, like, a s-

I've... I... No, I got some off-brand gobbledygook.

All right, guys, let's get back to the special. I don't like us derailing too, uh, too far away from your special. You-

Well, this relates, I was gonna say. 'Cause I... Okay, this is why I like Sweetwater, 'cause I'm like, I'm going, I'm getting my pedal rig on Sweetwater.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay? And you heads might like this, guess who put that pedal rig together? Dan 10 Tricks.

10 Tricks.

Does that entice you to finish the special-

Uh, no

... Chris?

I don't care about pedal boards, but I'm glad that you have one.

You do. You're edge, dude.

[laughs]

You fucking do. You wanna ask me about my rig.

Chris is on r/turnstile checking out pedal board pics.

[laughs]

Fucking loser.

What is your... What, what guit- I mean, but you're not play- Are you playing a Les Paul? Are you playing a Stratoc? What are we playing?

I'm playing my mouth.

She's playing the s-

My mouth is-

She's playing the Seinfeld-

Yeah

... theme song.

[laughs]

How much did it cost to license the Seinfeld theme song really quick?

Let's just say my Jewish ass got it on sale.

[laughs]

You got it for the low? Did you text... Speaking of, speaking of Free Palestine, did you t- text Jerry?

He... I wonder if he knows that he's in the special. I'd be curi- I don't think it's made its way to him.

I think 20% chance.

I bet.

No.

Okay. Well, I know you have a hard out, so I have a couple questions I didn't wanna forget.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Can I tell you?

Yeah.

Why can I te- So I bought my rig on s- fucking Sweetwater.

Yeah.

And Brad calls me and he goes, "Sarah, I see that you're going on tour." He'll keep up with me and go, "I see that you're going on tour. Do you need any help from us?" And I go, "I know this is business, but I am so touched-

[laughs]

... that you-"

You're like, "Oh my God, it's selling so well, and I do use a high gauge base string."

[laughs]

"So if you have anything that w- could work in that area."

He... But Brad never crosses the line where he's like, "Hey, I see you're in Albuquerque, room 1701 tonight. Do you need any hel..." You know? Like, it doesn't cross too far over.

"Do you need any help gettin' out, gettin' off, out of that shirt or anything like that?"

[laughs]

He... Listen, he could. I'd drop the pin.

[laughs]

I'd be like, "Hey."

"Sarah, I went ahead and upgraded you to Delta One."

[laughs]

"I pulled some strings." I was like... [laughs]

You're like, "If you..." [laughs]

Okay, so-

Okay

... so you know, so, uh, a friend of ours, Matt Belloni, he does a podcast called The Town, they talk about industry Hollywood shit, and he would always complain, "I, I only-"

Has he mentioned me?

"... I only have Peacock because I watch SNL," and whenever you go on Netflix or HBO or anything, you ty- you know, you w- the one show you watch, it's, pops up there, do you wanna, you know. And Peacock never does that for SNL. It's always hard to find. It's always a pain in the ass. How many letters do you think you have to type in on, or I typed in on HBO for your special to come out?

Let me be real.

The answer may shock you.

You have to get after the, you have to get after the Q in Squirm. [sniffs]

Okay. I literally typed in S-A, and it was the second thing to pop up. [laughs]

Fucking let's go.

Second. Hold on.

SNL.

He said second thing.

Yeah, but that's huge. Just to make it on-

What?

[clears throat] There's, they'll, they'll be like, "Here's 10 different things."

Yeah, no, it's great.

And it was ki- it was like the first one was, like, a very famous old movie, you know, whatever. I don't know. Saved by the Wind, and then boom, Sarah Sherman.

Sallow. [laughs] It was Sallow.

Saved by [laughs] Saved by the Wind is a nice alt.

It was Saw fo- it was Saw 14-

[laughs]

... and then Sarah Squirm. [laughs]

And by the way, trigger warning, he did say SA. Sorry for our listeners listening.

[laughs]

[laughs] Do you think that... Okay, here's my thing. When it came out-

I don't, I don't know what SA is. What is that?

Sexual assault, Jason. Come on.

Come on.

I was, I was just baiting you guys. I knew what that was. I saw you-

I don't know

... sound like I, you, you-

You listened to Joe Budden, but I don't know how much you listen

... you guys were all into it.

I... You-

Okay

... so the first week it came out on HBO, I... Of course, you, you know, you pull it up on your TV and you're like, "Oh, it's on the home page," whatever.

Mm-hmm.

It, it was, on the first week, it was, like, near holidays, and it was ninth most watched movie after Polar Express.

[claps] That's crazy 'cause it's not a movie.

Mm.

So that's big.

But you didn't watch the last eight minutes, so you wouldn't know that it's a fucking movie.

[laughs]

It's a motion picture.

It's a motion... It's a movie. Wouldn't you say it's a movie?

Ju- just like any movie that comes out nowadays, it could've been shorter. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. [laughs]

[laughs] Well, I cu- I cut out half an hour.

Thank you, thank you for that. Thank you for that.

[laughs] Everyone-

The, the streets thank you.

Because they're like th-

[laughs]

They're like, "We can't even take an hour of this. 1:30 is psycho."

No.

Yeah, HBO came back and said, "Do you got 45 we could... 'Cause this is just... We're pushing it."

Ronnie Bronstein goes, "Have you ever heard leave 'em wantin' more?"

[laughs]

I go, "Never in my life."

[laughs]

I never.

Not one single time.

Never.

Yeah, that, that rule applies even more to, like, vagina lips and-

Nope.

Mm.

Okay.

He didn't even get to that part. He didn't even see it.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you're, you have a nasty little mouth on you, and sometimes-

[laughs] I do

... sometimes it, it, it pushes me too far. I'm a Southern prude. I get-

Right

... you know, sometimes your language, much like rappers-

Right

... it's just too much for me.

I know.

I can only take so much.

And you don't like rap or country.

[laughs] No, I love country.

[laughs] I mean, hush.

They say the kind of bad stuff I like.

Right.

Okay. How much-

Like beer

... how much more money did you spend than if you were to just film a r- normal stand-up set like Marc Maron? Just a, the budget is a stool and a, and a glass of water.

Don't forget about all those rings he wears. Those are expensive.

[laughs] That-

Model zone

... budget got stretched.

[laughs]

That was a... That got stretched-

Yeah

... prolapsed.

[laughs]

Fucking speculum.

Budgets prolapsed? [laughs]

[laughs]

That got stretched.

Yeah.

I sa- I, I mean, I was like, "Do as much papier-mâché on those eyeballs as you can, y'all."

Mm. Mm-hmm.

We got-

So more mâché, less AI.

[laughs] No AI was used.

MâchAI. Papier-mâchAI.

It is an anti-

Is there something that-

... CGI and anti-AI special.

Oh, congratulations. You're living in the past.

[laughs]

When do we think, when do we think we'll see some profits from this? Ever? Or you think this is more of a labor of love?

I don't think anyone has seen it[laughs] Has anyone seen it?

You mean the special or the profits?

I- I'm like, well, the profits would come from like, okay, I announce a tour tomorrow, and then everybody buys tickets to it. But I'm on a minor touring hiatus, so I haven't announced any tour. I'm curious what will happen.

So you have some dates maybe in the chamber, but you're waiting to release because you're currently on hiatus.

And we know that SNL famously doesn't pay, so you're gonna have to go Bowen Yang route, start a podcast with your gay bestie, and then start doing bit roles in Bridesmaids 14, and that's when the money starts chugging in.

Let me tell you something, if you wanna say something about Jasmine Crockett, we'll give you the platform right now.

I don't have a podcast because I have nothing interesting to say.

Doesn't matter. That's the least... That's the thing you need the least. What are you talking about?

Neither does Bowen, but that's why he has a partner, and then it all comes together.

Yeah, that's why I have Jason.

I have nothing to say. I don't care if it's the only... I get it, it's the only way anyone makes money in this fucking town.

[laughs]

I- put me in a ditch, Pennywise.

[laughs]

I won't do it.

I think, I think if somebody came to you with the right deal, you would probably do it.

Even though it's a- available as a award category on the Golden Globes now?

Wouldn't it feel good-

It hasn't been legitimized enough for you yet?

Wouldn't it feel good to whip Poehler's ass? Wouldn't it feel good-

Fucking bitch

... to put her old ass back in the, in, below the jail where she belongs?

Fuck Mel Robbins.

You know what I'd do? You know what I'd do?

Fuck Mel Robbins on God, though, for real.

Yeah, yeah, that's on Chris. Go ahead.

Who is that?

Exactly.

She's another-

Exactly. Okay

... Golden Globe nominated podcaster.

One, one, one, one other question. I know you got Finn. I guess, speaking of Finn, um, have you been around long enough... Uh, how many seasons you been on SNL now? It's been what?

Four, four and a half.

Okay. So let's say you-

Who's counting?

You, you've been around in the public eye for the last five years.

No famous recurring characters to speak of.

Not yet.

Go on.

We're working on it. I'm feeling good about the pit. Um-

No, in Brooklyn you're famous, though. Don't do that.

Okay, so-

Facts, facts

... have, have you been around long enough and, and been in the public eye with a boyfriend long enough for the lesbians to know you're straight, and they're not trying to tap that as much as they may have been when you first came out on the scene?

Hmm.

I feel like-

Yeah

... I've been very clear from day one.

I know, but there's still, you know... I'm, I'm sure Sydney Sweeney's been very clear she doesn't want to fuck football players, but nevertheless, the DMs are still blowing up. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

So are, are, are some of America's top lesbians trying to slide into your shit?

No one slides.

You're telling me that, you're telling me that Chrishell from Selling Sunset has not DM'd you once?

No one sli- You, I'm gonna tell... You guys can't... You're not gonna say this out loud.

Okay.

But I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell you guys my top slide. Are you ready?

Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And just, like, rem- remark on how elite this is.

[laughs]

[laughs] I mean, he is a lesbian.

Yeah, this... [laughs]

Is that the most major slide you've ever seen?

Oh.

But was it, was it a clear... Now, it was a clear, like, what's really good? It wasn't, you're not misinterpreting this.

It was crass.

Wow.

It was quite-

Really?

... crass.

So he said, "Let me, let me beat it up-"

What that, what that pussy do?

He said, "Let me beat it up-"

Yeah

... at 30 Rock."

Yeah.

Okay.

[laughs]

He said, "Are the, are the back walls beckoning Silent Hill style?" Or whatever. I don't know how people talk.

He would bring up Silent Hill in the, in the slide-

He does

... 'cause he knows that'll probably work on you.

Honestly, that is amazing and, and I don't know what I expected, but that was not it.

Okay, so some A-list dick is being thrown at you is what you're saying.

But that's the ki-

[laughs]

So it's not, like, it's not... You guys think it's gonna be the gays. It's, it's something quite different.

Yeah, it's more of an incel vibe.

Yes. Yes.

Man-

Yes

... I can't wait to tell everyone that off record. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding.

Yeah, that's a real- that's really good.

You can.

I'm gonna, I'm definitely telling everyone. I'm sure you've told everyone.

I've told anyone who will listen, just not on a podcast.

How could you... Yeah, how could you not? That's great.

It's the brag of the century.

It is.

Are those blue light glasses before we go?

Uh, how dare you?

[laughs]

How fucking dare you? Not on the fucking streetwear podcast are you gonna say these are blue light transitions.

[laughs]

By the way-

Yeah, I love that you're calling us a streetwear podcast while you're wearing Acne beanie and Rick Owens boots, and we're wearing regular shit.

No. Well, by the way, check the fit. I got vintage Moschino jeans, girl.

[laughs]

I got a shirt I stole from costume, girl. I got the Rowing Blazers fleece sent to me for free, girl. That matches the fucking pants, girl.

Nobody should pay for that.

Like, no.

You have a Beetlejuice fit. You have a Beetlejuice fit right now.

Always.

Yeah, you're look- yeah, you're looking like Beetlejuice at the Barney's warehouse sale.

[laughs]

Uh, uh, these are my, um, um, um, Robert Mitchum blackout drunk on the Dick Cavett Show wearing sunglasses insides.

Mm-hmm. They are transitioning darker right now.

No.

As the day progresses.

They're not transitioning.

They're transi- they're transitioning.

Look, the beginning of the pod, crystal clear. Now as the-

No. No

... now as the sun has gone down one hour, they are a darker brown.

I, I wanna be clear, Sar- Sarah Sherman transitioned on our podcast.

[laughs]

I just wanna be very, very clear. Very clear.

On my first SNL paycheck, what did I buy? Giant mattress. What was the second thing I bought? First time in my life, prescription sunglasses. I go, "I'm fucking reaching out, bitch."

It's big.

"I can get prescription fucking sunglasses."

Okay.

So yeah, I wear them inside.

Living in the lap of luxury.

That's big. I agree, that's big.

Okay.

Um...

So have I been the best podcast guest you guys have ever had, or-

Yeah, we'll let the n- we'll let the numbers-

Top five. Top five

... we'll let the numbers show once we get that kinda going.

You have been a, a delight this whole time. You went absolutely beast mode, and we appreciate you.

[laughs]

I can't wait to try to stay up till midnight and fail, and then watch some clips of you this weekend on YouTube on Sunday morning.

Finish the special now.

I'll finish the special.

Yes, mommy.

Because, because I like-

[laughs]

I, I th- I think this honest exchange between artist and viewer is great for everyone to hear.

I, I am not too proud to beg. I have, I will obv- I will beg.

Okay.

Watch it, please.

Do you think your coworkers have watched it? Be honest.

Uh, uh, did I have a premiere where I said, "Get y'all's butts there"?

Has Michael... Ha- did Michael Che watch it?

He actually was-

Michael Che didn't watch it

... the one person who wasn't there. [laughs]

'Cause I was gonna say, there's no way, there's no way that Chloe Fineman is taking off from going to, like, the Tori Burch show-

She was front row

... to watch your special.

Front row.

Front row.

Hooting and hollering.

That's supporting a queen.

Every, my entire, the entire cast-

Barking like a dog the whole hour.

Knee slapping. Every single one of my cast members, front row, supportive.

Sarah has done it again. Okay. Was, and, and I'm sure Lorne was there too, right?

He, he was not, but he is an executive producer.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, tell us what, tell us what-

Tell me what-

He's got to get his claws into everything, doesn't he?

Tell us what an executive producer does, if you could, Sarah, if you don't mind. Just breaking it down.

They go, they go, "Put on that blonde wig that makes you gorgeous, darling."

[laughs]

Do you wanna hear the best Letterboxd review I got on my special?

I didn't know they did that for comedy, but-

Oh, I read every single one. "Half star. This comedy special is equivalent to torture porn. Yes, it's that bad. This is worse than any genocide ever in history."

[laughs]

"Yes, all of them. This is the pinnacle of unfunny. I cannot believe there are full-grown adults, grown as shit, laughing uncontrollably at this bro. Pathetic."

[laughs] All right. Well, don't reveal my username.

Okay.

Because I, I wanna keep that to myself.

Save... So your, your artwork is divisive, is what I'm learning.

Yes.

Yeah.

Worse than any genocide ever in history.

So better to read the Letterboxd and stay away from those toxic YouTube reviews. [laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Oh, all right, Sarah, thank you for joining us. Uh, we, it was a pleasure. The special's on HBO now.

Go watch her special on HBO right now. Squirm. Just type in S-A into your Google, and she will pop right up.

Just type S-A, and then, yeah, we'll look out for you this weekend. I really hope you get something on the air. That'd be big for you.

The pit. The clit.

Yeah. If you wanna brainstorm later, just holler at me.

I'll send you, I'll send you a, we'll send you a, a, a mixtape to write the bit to-

[laughs]

... to kind of get in the zone, if that would, if that would help you at all.

No, you already have the Slayer tat. You're already there.

Well, they're... My inbox is open.

Okay.

Well, don't worry, I'll send you some Revelation Records releases that will maybe hit a little harder for you.

Awesome.

Thanks, Sarah.

Thanks, Sarah.

Bye. Nice meeting you guys.

Bye. Later.

Yeah, you too.

Bye. [outro music]

And watching lovers part, I see you smiling. Watch as winters lie so deep in your mind. To tear us from your eyes with a thought of stiff and brooding lies. And I only watch you leave me further behind.

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